Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'd Like That Super-Sized Please

The other day while sitting down to a meal consisting of a triple cheeseburger, extra large fries, double thick chocolate shake, large coke and two delicious apple pies I reached over to the unoccupied table next to me to snag the front page of the newspaper only to find an article talking about how fat we as Americans are becoming. The nerve, I thought to myself as I wiped my greasy fingers on my shirt in order to better get a grip on my chocolate shake. How very un-American. What kind of person would write such dribble and still call themselves American? Trash like this could only come from a communist...or at least a left wing Liberal. As I read further I discovered the author was a well known doctor who had recently published a book about America's health after years of studies and research. Hmmmm, what do doctors really know anyway? They should stick to diagnosing illnesses and prescribing is way out of their ball park.

Out of interest I decided to continue reading and discovered that despite surging obesity numbers in the U.S., a new survey finds that just one out of 10 Americans say their diet is unhealthy. Yeah, so, what's the big deal? I thought as I polished off my burger and began to attack my fries, making sure to dunk them in my shake before popping them down my gullet. So apparently a lot of so called "experts" feel that the portion size of American meals is much larger than that of our European counterparts or any other country for that matter. For comparisons sake, let's just say if we were to compare the portion size of our meals between the French and say a blue whale, well, we're much closer to the blue whale. Which makes sense to me because I hate the French but have never had a problem with the blue whale.

I guess the biggest trouble I had with the article was that it tried to pin the problem on us as individuals, saying it was a "lack of self control." That angered me like a disturbed nest of Africanized honey bees. This is America, people, and we are never responsible for our own actions! If we make mistakes or do something wrong, it is by default someone else's fault-- but never our own. We are never to blame. The thought of suing this so called "doctor" crossed my mind more than once while reading the article and if I hadn't been so busy consuming my apple pies at the time I might have called a lawyer on my cell phone. Who is this man to say my mistakes and bad choices are to blame for my problems and not the result of someone else?

But deep down I knew the real answer for our so called portion size problem. The real problem could easily be found in every home in America. And no, I'm not talking about mice or cockroaches...that's mainly a California and New York City problem. What I'm talking about is the Microwave. Yeah, that handy appliance that heats or re-heats meals in a matter of seconds. The problem is not in the microwave itself but in its size. There is nothing "micro" about the microwave. And for all of you science nerds reading this who want to tell me the reason it's called a microwave is because of the size of electromagnetic wave it uses to cook the food (usually between 1-2 GHz), get out of here. Scram. Beat it! I don't want to hear from you. Because the real definition doesn't help my argument at all so I'm not interested in it.

My point here is that it shouldn't be called a microwave when it's big enough to cook a fully stuffed thanksgiving turkey and mashed potatoes with room to still heat up the cranberry sauce. It should be referred to as the "macrowave." Why is the microwave such a problem, you ask? Well if you aren't one of the science nerds questioning my definition of the microwave, I'll tell you. Because of the large size of our microwave we are forced to eat larger portions...because we can.

Think about it. If microwaves were smaller, we would not be able to cook or reheat such large portions, therefore decreasing the amount of food and calories we would consume. If microwaves were smaller, dishware companies would be forced to make their dishware smaller so it could fit in the smaller microwave, thus helping us even more because these smaller dishes would replace the current platters we currently use called dinner plates. I've seen pig troughs that are smaller in size than our dinnerware.

Are you starting to see the picture? It all starts with the microwave and the evil companies who make them. They are to blame for our ever expanding waistlines. Look at the history of the microwave. Since it's invention the portion sizes of our meals and therefore our weight have increased at almost exactly the same rate. It used to be only the rich who were getting fat when the microwave first came out because they were the only ones who could afford it. Now sadly everyone, even the poorest among us, is affected by the microwave and its propensity to increase our portion sizes of meals.

At first the microwave only affected the meals we ate in our homes, but restaurants soon had to appease our ferocious appetites by increasing their portion sizes as well. It's a vicious cycle, but it is in no way our fault as individuals. It's those money hungry companies who make the microwaves! And why, might you ask, would companies make microwaves so big when smaller ones would be much healthier for us as Americans? The answer is quite simple. We pay a lot more money for the larger microwaves than we would for smaller ones. It's all about lining their pockets with money.

So we must stand together as fat Americans - and if you are too fat to stand, at least raise a chubby hand - in defiance, and demand that microwave companies start making microwaves smaller. Our health as a country is depending on it.

And now that I have said my piece, let me eat in peace because I'm thinking of getting another cheeseburger to go.

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Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously