Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Move Over Elf On the Shelf

“Elf on the Shelf.” What an ingenious way of reminding kids that Santa is watching and that they need to be on their best behavior during this wonderful and festive time of year. The only problem is that it's so short lived and the Elf disappears back to the North Pole shortly after Christmas, leaving parents with few alternatives for keeping their kids on their best behavior the rest of the year. That is, until today.

I am excited to announce that I have come up with my own brilliant idea for influencing children’s behavior, much like Elf on the Shelf, only with applications that will last year round. Introducing “Monster in the Closet”, the completely fun (for parents) way of scaring the hell out of their kids into behaving. Simply hide the monster at night where your children can find it the next day creepily watching them. After reading them the wonderful and imaginative story that comes with it, your children will be too frightened to behave badly. In the story we discover a monster has been sent to your child’s home in hope of dragging one or more of them, if caught misbehaving, back with it to Monsterland, where if it doesn’t eat them first as part of its dinner stew, will have them performing hard labor in one of its many “Monster Camps”, much like what you would find in North Korea, only worse.

What constitutes naughty behavior, you might ask? Simple enough - whatever the parents deem to be naughty. It could be throwing tantrums, fighting with siblings, back talking parents, getting bad grades, not doing chores, etc. The list can go on and on. When a bad behavior is presenting itself by a child a parent merely needs to point out that they “sure hope the Monster in the Closet isn’t watching them,” and watch as the child instantly stops what they were doing like magic. Parents will be delighted at the hours of good behavior “Monster in the Closet” brings into their homes. Might I suggest when first reading the book that you and your children come up with a name for your monster, it can be a real bonding experience for your entire family.

I’m sure many of you are probably wondering, can this be considered cruel? To which the answer is, absolutely. Could I possibly get in trouble for doing this? There’s a great chance that you could. Does this thing really even work? Yes, unbelievably well. In fact, no children psychologists will recommend it because they know how much business they will lose because it works so well. That's a promise, which is so much better than a money back guarantee, just ask any politicion that tried to sell you on ObamaCare. And like I said, the best part of all of this is that it lasts all year long while knock-offs like Elf on the Shelf last for only a very short season. So why bribe your kids into behaving well for a short time when you can scare them into being good for a lifetime? Monster in the closet is a keepsake every young family should have as it's sure to build memories that will last a lifetime.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Real or Fake?

The great question of which is better, real or fake, has gone on throughout the ages. Supporters of “real” will say we need to enjoy the natural beauty God has given us. We should be happy with “au naturale” and not be ashamed of it. Supporters of “fake” will insist they enjoy having something crafted for its beauty; something that is built to look great and withstand the test of time. And these same people will insist that nobody should judge them for choosing to go “fake”…it’s their choice after all and nobody else’s. With the Christmas season upon us, the debate over a real or fake Christmas tree is once again rekindled.

For me and my family, we have chosen to go fake, but it hasn’t always been that way and it certainly wasn’t an easy choice. I used to be a believer in going natural, the way God had intended it to be. I had convinced myself I was happier this way. Then one Christmas my whole attitude changed. I noticed several weeks after setting up the tree (the day after Thanksgiving of course), how misshapen it was. I found myself constantly adjusting the tree in hopes of finding the perfect side for facing out. It was during one of these particular moments of adjusting that I noticed how badly the tree branches were drooping. They were not as perky an upright as they had once been. They were drooping so badly that the ornaments seemed to have a hard time staying on the tree as I was constantly picking them up and replacing them. It dawned on me that the hours of our small kids pulling on the branches in attempt to get at the wonderful ornaments as well as the amount of time that had gone by since the tree had been cut down had started to really take its toll on the poor tree. Yes, I partially blame our kids for causing the tree’s droopiness. It just wasn’t as upright and full like it had been when it had been freshly cut and brought home from the tree farm. The lower branches drooped so badly towards the ground that we were unable to even fit any large gifts under the tree, and instead had to settle on trying to fit only small flat gifts under it such as books or clothing, you know, the boring stuff. The beautiful train that we had circling the base of the tree was completely hidden from the saggy branches.

The point at which it really hit me at how saggy, droopy, and lifeless our tree looked, however, occurred during a Christmas party we held at our house about a week before Christmas. Nobody said anything out right or to my face, but their disapproving stares and looks of pity towards the droopy tree didn’t go unnoticed by me. I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed. I felt uncomfortable to be in my own house while guests were there. I know I had been taught my whole life that I should always be happy with the tree that we had received and not try to compare it to others, but as I watched guests, in my house, stare at my tree in pity, I couldn’t help but think about all the wonderful trees some of my friends had in their homes, many of which were fake but were beautiful. It was at that moment I longed for the perfect tree and decided I would do what was necessary to get it, even if it meant purchasing a fake one.

I went out the very next day to Home Depot and after consulting with a garden specialist there, settled on the prefect tree. I was surprised at how real it looked and felt. Sure it cost me a good chunk of change but the whole process was so easy and the garden specialist took great care of me and helped me feel comfortable throughout the whole procedure. The best part of the whole thing was that I was able to pick out the exact size I wanted. The key is not to go too large but too pick the right size to match the home. Really though, in the end, just make sure it is a size of tree you are happy with because you’ll most likely have it the rest of your life. They build these things to last nowadays, not like the first ones they came out with where people were having lots of problems with them breaking and had to have them removed from their homes because of the complications.

The tree I ended up with was full, perky, and beautiful. It didn’t sag or droop like the real one, even weeks after Christmas was over and I was still too lazy to take it down. Well, that and the fact that now that I had the fake tree I wanted people to be able to see it in all its unbridled glory. Finally I had something I could be proud of and I wanted it on display for the whole world to see. No more trying to hide it. I had spent good money on it and wanted people to notice. It’s funny because now when people come over and it’s up, people are always amazed at how real it looks and are asking if they can touch it because they just can’t believe it could possibly be fake. It sure makes me feel good.

So yes, I am the proud owner of a fake tree, and you know what? It’s FANTASTIC!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

"Let's Move" Away From This Healthy Crap

So it seems that Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" anti-obesity program has become the "Let's Move Away From This Anti-obesity Program" program, as kids are literally scrambling to get away from it. Apparently kids don't like food that tastes very similar to card board and wood chips. Who could have guessed? Either way though it looks like her program has been quite a success by getting kids to do exactly what it was designed to do...move! Even if it is just to avoid the food offered by the program.

Many parents have commented on the success of the program, saying things like, "I've never seen my kid run faster in their life just to avoid something...not even from chores."

It’s hard to discount the huge success the program is having on getting children to move even though the "Let's Move" program started from a simple mistake by the First Lady. Supposedly the original intent of the program was meant to be an after school program for children to watch movies and socialize with one another called "Let's Movie." However after a tragic spelling mistake, in which the ‘i’ was dropped in ‘movie’, the program became "Let's Move", which left Michelle and the rest of her team scrambling to come up with recipes designed at eating more healthy. This explains why the food tastes like crap and why kids are literally running away from it.

When asked about the original program and the spelling mistake, Michelle Obama acknowledged that spelling was not her strong suit and never has been. "You should have seen my spelling mistakes in college," she said. We would love to verify her statement, however, since she and the President, continue to refuse to release their college transcripts while maintaining how transparent this administration has been, we are unable to do so at this time.

When asked if she's seen a difference in her own kids because of the program, the First Lady responded by saying, "Sasha and Malia? Oh no, those two wouldn't be caught dead eating that crap. I'm just stoked if they'll even try their vegetables at dinner and that’s typically only after adding lots of butter and promising them candy afterwards if they’ll eat it. I'm not going to force a program like 'Let's Move' on them. That would just be cruel and I'm a much better parent than that. But I would like to take this moment if I could to remind the rest of the nation to get out and 'Let's Move' to better health."

Monday, August 5, 2013

Fun Facts On America's most Beloved Pet, the Goldfish

Did you know that the average life span of a goldfish is 20 years? I had no idea they could live that long. Of course when placed in a tank with a piranha their average life span decreases to 20 seconds. Depending on how hungry the piranha is of course.

Also it is a known fact that if you keep a goldfish in the dark it will eventually turn white. Upon hearing this news, Rev. Al Sharpton has said he plans to take a serious look into this claim before planning any formal protests or taking any specific legal action against goldfish in general. However, he does feel that there are many other colors the goldfish could turn besides white and hopes they will consider these other colors just as equally. He also refused to rule out asking Eric Holder and the DOJ to look into this matter as well.

The Science of Goose Bumps

I thought this was interesting. When you get goose bumps when you are cold, and the hair stands up, the hair helps to trap air against the skin, making you feel warmer by keeping in your body heat. My wife didn't find this quite as interesting as I had when I gave her a similar explanation right after farting under our covers last night. In fact she seemed pretty disgusted, even after I explained that it was, simply, science at work and that the covers was actually helping to keep the warm air in. And to think, that she is the scientist.

Watch Out, Here Comes a Temper Tantrum

In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. But this is still only a fraction of the energy released during a ten minute tantrum from a 3 year old. Scientists are looking into way to harness this energy, without destroying the world. Apparently it's not as easy as taking candy from a baby...although that will most certainly cause a tantrum.

Butt It's a Photocopier

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide is caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. What I gather from this statistic is that there is a real market for a photocopying toilet. You know, something with the photo printing abilities of a photocopier but the long lasting durability of a toilet. Move over Bishub, introducing the Shizzhub!

Minvans and Adult Diapers

As a lot of you know, I drive a minivan. Or maybe I should say I actually own and drive a truck but our family vehicle is a minivan. I have people all the time ask me why I chose to purchase and own a minivan, as if I had a choice in the matter. Come on people. I have 4 kids, a wife, and a crapload of stuff to haul around. A Honda Civic or Toyota Prius ain't gonna cut it. I find this question to b...e a little offensive because it's not something you choose to do but it's something that happens to you. It would be like asking someone who has cancer why they chose to have cancer. Nobody chooses to have cancer just as nobody chooses to own a minivan, it just happens.

I look at minivans much in the same way I do adult diapers. When it comes down to it nobody wants you to know they have it or want you to see them in it, but it has it's purpose and it certainly makes life a helluva lot easier. Life happens, and eventually you realize that these things (adult diapers and minivans) are inescapable. Reluctantly you come to realize that you have no choice but to submit yourself to them, knowing in the end, as hard as it may be to accept, that it really is for the best.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

To Bee or Not to Bee, That is the Question

So this morning at work in honor of the high number of bee stings some of our employees have been experiencing this summer I decided to read of some interesting bee facts during our weekly safety meeting. Here is a list of some of those facts (in quotes) and a few of my own thoughts on them as well.

“Bees can count to four.” – Big deal. Can they count backwards from four. All other numbers elude them I guess.

“Honey bees can fly up to 15 miles per hour.” – They have been recorded at even faster speeds than that but usually when stuck to the windshield of a moving vehicle. I guess there is a rule or something about the bees having to be alive in order for the speed to officially count. Dumb rule if you ask me.

“Bees and wasps are some of the most feared insects due to their ability to sting and their great mobility.” – This is why I refer to them as the ninjas of the insect world.

“There are 314 million people who currently live in the US. Bee stings cause between 40-60 deaths each year on average in the US.” – What I gather from all of this is that you have a much greater chance of dying from a bee sting if you are actually stung by a bee than you would if you weren’t stung by a bee. Scary stuff.

“Honey bees will travel up to 3 miles from their hive in search of food.” – Lazy insects. I’ve been known to travel over 20 miles just to get to the nearest McDonalds for food and that includes during rush hour.

“The Honey bee Queen may lay 600-800 or even 1,500 eggs each day during her lifetime.” – This is where the expression “busy bee” comes from. It’s much nicer than saying “bee slut.”

“The only insect who produces food for humans are honey bees.” – Oh really? Then what is it that my collection of dung beetles produces that I’ve been eating all of these years, if not food? It makes a great cracker spread, that’s all I know.

“Honey bees never sleep.” – Who could, with that constant and annoying buzzing sound around all the time? No wonder why bees are so easily angered…they are tired all the time.

“Wasps that have consumed fermented juices have been observed, eventually, to become drunk and pass out.” – If they get caught flying drunk they are likely to get a BUI (Buzzing Under the Influence). Is this considered “sleeping on the job” if Worker bees are caught doing this? You’d have to think that the Queen bee would always be drunk with as many kids as she has, or at least she’s gotta have a good “buzz” going all the time. Get it buzz?

“Bees can recognize human faces.” – Which is why you should never commit a crime in front of a bee because they’ll recognize your face in a police lineup. Also don’t commit a crime in front of an elephant because obviously, they never forget. I hear the F.bee.I is looking at using bees in helping identify people out of large crowds.

“The only bees that die after they sting you are honey bees.” – Live like a honey bee, die like a honey bee, is what I always say.

“Wasps on the other hand are able to sting repeatedly.” – It’s no wonder why I hate wasps so much.

“Bees communicate with each other by dancing and by using pheromones.” – Pheromones are a nice way of saying “farts and body odor.”

“Brains of bees are the size of a sesame seed.” – Which explains why they can only count to four…it’s all they have room for. But it doesn’t explain why they are so good at recognizing people’s faces.

“Honey bees have to consume about 8 pounds of food to produce one pound of beeswax.” – That’s nothing…I have to consume a whole heck of a lot of food just to produce a little ear wax.

“Honey bees are responsible for pollinating approximately 80% of all fruit, vegetables, and seed crops in the US.” – The other 20% of fruits, vegetables, and seed crops in the US are pollinated at the hands of illegal immigrants. It’s no wonder the bee population is on the decline…Illegal immigrants are taking all their jobs.

“Honey bees are designated “state insect” in 12 different states.” – But if you ask any bees how many states they are listed as the “state insect” in, the answer is always the same…four!

“Honey bees do not actually “make” honey, but instead they convert the nectar they gather from the flowers to the thicker honey, by constantly regurgitating it and allowing it to dehydrate.” – Makes me wonder what our puke might taste like if we put it through the same process. Yummy!

“The honey bee is believed to be introduced to this continent by the European Settlers and Native American’s referred to the honey bee as the “White Man’s Fly.”” – I’ve heard the same expression before, only it was when I accidently had the zipper to my pants down in a predominately black neighborhood.

“The Queen bee receives about 90,000,000 sperm from mating with a male but she controls how they are used.” – Nice to see females are the same no matter the species…like to be in control.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously