Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Call for Patriotism

At first I was against it but now I am for it. Only I want to expand it. What am I talking about, you’re wondering? Well, Obama’s tax plan of course. It is brilliant…but short sighted. I would like to invoke his plan in all aspects of our life, in the name of patriotism of course. It is in the footsteps of his tax plan that I propose the following amendments.

First I propose that the top 5% of all students in schools across America give their highest grades to those receiving lower grades. Therefore those hardworking, earnest studying, goody two shoe, bookworms who earn all A’s will be asked to sacrifice their A’s and allow those who are getting D’s and F’s to get C’s. Sure, those straight A students may only be getting B’s on their report cards when clearly they earned A’s but that is a small sacrifice to pay to allow little Tommy C’s when his efforts only earn him D’s and F’s. Think about how much happier little Tommy will be when his report card is full of grades he clearly didn’t earn. To those students who wish to protest such a suggestion I ask, “Are you not a patriot?” It’s time to be patriotic my friends.

Now, now, I’m sure there are a few who will try to tell you this is called “grade redistribution.” I can see how you might think that, but it’s not. It is simply a call to be patriotic. Taking away from those who rightfully earned it to hand to those who haven’t is all part of the “American Dream.” Talk about “no child left behind.”

Now, I would also like to include as part of this plan something that hits much closer to home, literally, for me. You see, in Alaska, we pay much more for our goods and services than the rest of you do in the continental US (“Lower 48”) because of our location and the amount that our goods cost us in shipping. The same can be said for Hawaii. So I propose that the continental US collectively begin to pay a slightly higher cost for their goods and services to help offset or lower the costs of Alaska and Hawaii’s. A cost and goods tax just on those states who pay less than Alaska and Hawaii. Again, let’s not call this, “cost of goods and services redistribution” as I’m sure many opponents of this plan will want to, but instead refer to it in the words of Joe Biden, as a “time to be patriotic.” Plain and simply it’s time for the “Lower 48” to be a little more patriotic.

Something else that concerns me greatly in the landscaping business is how many American homes are without adequate landscaping. Could part of the housing problems in this country be partly to blame because of poor landscaping and therefore lower curb appeal and resale value? I’ll let the experts decided this, but I can tell you this much…good landscaping certainly doesn’t hurt and will only help. Therefore, I believe as a country that we need to have those people who have spent more than $10,000 on landscaping their yards help those who have inadequate or poorly landscaped yards by giving up some of their landscaping to these homes. The reason why I say those homes which have spent $10,000 or more on their landscaping is because this ends up being about 5% of American homes, which means that 95% of American homes wouldn’t have to worry about this tax burden, but would actually benefit from it. I know you worked hard for that money and landscaping on your home. I know it may not seem fair, and really it isn’t, especially since it will be given to those who most likely are just too lazy to do anything with their own yards anyway. For that I am truly sorry. But if you had enough money to spend $10,000 on landscaping for your home, it’s time to be a little more patriotic and to help those who didn’t, and maybe you’ll think a little more the next time you feel like investing in the curb appeal of your own home. Besides, when it comes down to it, are you really going to miss a few trees and shrubs…especially if it’s going to make your neighbor’s home a little better? This is not to be considered “landscape redistribution” no matter what anybody tells you.

Finally and certainly not lastly, I’d like to see all those men and women who are dealing with the tragic and life demeaning reality of hair loss cared for by having the those people with a full head of hair give up a small portion of that hair to be transplanted to those who do not. And I cannot stress this enough, it’s about being patriotic and not about “hair redistribution.” Maybe, just maybe, if all of us with lots of hair had a little less, and those who had very little had more…well maybe we’d be a little better off as a country. And a lot more patriotic.

So I say let’s not just stop with the taxes…lets institute Obama’s tax plan across the board and hope that it helps tackle Americas most proliferate problems. Whoever said socialism isn’t patriotic just wasn’t very patriotic.

My name is Jared Palenske and I endorse this message.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously