Monday, August 24, 2009

Wrong Number

Have you ever been so bored sitting at home that you actually get excited when the phone rings? Then you find out that the person on the other end accidentally dialed the wrong number but you still try to keep them on the line just so you don't have to go back to being bored?

"I'm sorry you have the wrong number but do you want to talk anyway? Please just talk to me for a little while. You don't understand, I'm bored. No, No, wait, I'm only kidding. This is Bob, I was just joking with you. I swear it is. What's my last name? Come on you know what my last name is. No, please don't..." CLICK! "...hang up."

It's no wonder 1-900 numbers get so much business. You're bored out of your mind sitting at home with absolutely nothing to do...and...well...

"Helloooo, this is Rachelle. What's your name?"

"Umm, err, this is Bob, and don't ask me my last name."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Homeless and Poor

He held a sign that read “Please Help, Homeless and Poor.” I sure was grateful that he cleared up the confusion by adding the part about being poor, because if he had been Homeless and Wealthy I was just going to roll down my window and yell, “Go buy a damn house, then!”

I suppose I am a little uneducated in the homeless department because I had always just assumed that if you were homeless it was because you were poor. Then again, you can be poor and not homeless, so maybe you can also be homeless without being poor. Now all of a sudden I started feeling bad for the guy because he had it really bad. Double whammy…homeless and poor. And to think for a few seconds there I was going to offer to pay him 5 bucks if he would let me add the words “and lazy” to his sign.

I often wonder why these guys aren’t working to make some money. I know some people say that they have a disability or something that prevents them from working, but I mean come on…they are already standing for 10-12 hours a day holding their signs! They would make ideal Wal-Mart greeters. I mean, they are already seasoned in standing in one place for long periods of time. If it was too uncomfortable to actually greet the Wal-Mart shoppers, perhaps they could just hold up a sign that read, “Welcome to Wal-Mart.” I’m sure it would go over great for Wal-Mart’s public relations perception. They could even change their slogan to “Wal-Mart…putting America’s homeless to work.”

I know for sure that these guys could get a job for at least four months of the year with Liberty Mutual. It would be a perfect gig for them, holding up a sign and waving it at passing vehicles on the side of the road. Isn’t that really what they are already doing anyway? Liberty Mutual should just run around the city and dress the homeless in Lady of Liberty costumes and pay them to hold up their signs. Besides the cheap advertising, think of what a great tax write-off they could get.

The only other question I had about the homeless people that stand around holding signs is, where in the world do they get the markers to make their signs? I know at my house I can never find a marker when I need one, so how the hell are these guys getting them if they don’t even have a home to begin with? Plus, the markers they use aren’t those cheap ones. Oh no, they aren’t those flimsy old fine point ones. They use those “fat boy” ones that make lines big enough for passing vehicles to see. Those markers aren’t cheap! If they were smart, they would be selling the markers they use to people like me who can’t find them anywhere in my house to save my life. I would pay a pretty penny for one of those.

Needless to say, even after the homeless guy got me thinking about all these things, I still couldn’t help but feel bad for him and I gave him 5 bucks. As I was walking away I realized that he probably made more money than me if everyone that passed by felt the same way I did. But then again, his sign did say Homeless and Poor…so probably not.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Trust me. I'm an Expert.

In the game of golf there are good golfers, there are bad golfers, and there are Experts. A person who is good at golf is someone who can score really low...period...and a bad golfer is one who typically scores quite high, but who will score low enough just often enough to keep his golf habit alive. But one of the things I most love about golf is that a person doesn't have to actually be good in order to be an Expert. An Expert at golf is someone who can coach or critique others in the sport but may not necessarily be good themselves. I've noticed through the years that there are a lot of Experts in golf. I should know...I am one myself.

When someone hits a bad shot it is easy to point to something that may or may not have contributed to the genesis of the poor shot. The mere mention of these observations of another's swing is what makes one appear to be an Expert. You see, the golf swing has hundreds of components and pieces that must come together with perfect complexity in order to make the right connection of the clubface hitting the ball and therefore creating what we call in golf lingo, a "good shot." It takes just one of those pieces to be missing or misplaced and you end up with what golfers would call a "bad shot," which also goes by other creative pseudonyms such as, "damn it", "why?", "where did that come from!", "I hate this game", or for the worst of all bad shots, "I quit."

There is never a shortage of reasons for why the bad shot happened, nor is there ever a shortage of fellow golfers who are willing to point out what caused it. Your stance was too narrow. Your stance was too wide. You had your clubface open at impact. Your clubface was closed at impact. You're swinging too far away from your body. You're swinging much too close to your body. Your arms were too bent. Your arms were too straight. Your weight was all on your toes. Your weight was back on your heels. Your head popped up, your butt was out too far, your hips swung out...blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah, and blah.

Never mind my score. Forget the fact that you are actually beating me. What I'm telling you will change your game and take you to that next level. Trust me, I'm an Expert. I have an eye for these things.

That's why I think being a caddie would be such an easy job. You're not playing, you're just telling the player what to do.

"Go pitching wedge. Definitely pitching."

"Are you sure? I was thinking a strong nine. I don't think I'll get there with a pitching."

"Trust me, it's the pitching wedge you want. It'll put you right in the center of the green."

"All right."

The ball is struck and falls ten yards short of the green.

"See. I told you I should have gone nine."

"No, it was the right club. You just had the clubface closed a bit at impact and were swinging off of your toes. Trust me. I'm an Expert."

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously