Monday, December 13, 2010

The Target Effect

There seems to be a plague of epic proportions sweeping this country. It is commonly known as the “Target Effect,” or as the experts refer to it, “TE.” TE is a disease that primarily affects women of all ages and race and causes them to lose consciousness with the real world for a few moments when the word “Target” is mentioned. This trance-like state typically persists for around five minutes, but has been shown to last 10 minutes or longer in seriously affected individuals.

Signs and symptoms that you or a loved one may be suffering from TE may include any of the following:
-Daydreaming episodes that cannot be broken for five minutes or longer (victim appears to be in a zombie-like trance)
-An uncontrollable desire to shop
-Incoherent speech, also referred to as “babbling,” on and on and on
-Loss of movement in one or all of the major appendages
-Excessive and uncontrollable bouts of drooling
-Sudden loss of words

Please note that for sufferers of TE, these symptoms present themselves almost immediately upon hearing the words “Target,” “Super Target,” or “Target Greatland.”

Although there are no known long-term effects to victims suffering from TE, it is still a serious problem and should be addressed by a qualified medical professional.

If by chance you are a male suffering from these symptoms, please don’t worry. It just means you’re gay.

However, there is still much about this disease that is not known, and many women may not realize that they suffer from TE, or are in denial about it. The use of such phraseology as, “I don’t know what the big deal is, it’s just like Kmart or WalMart,” “I love Target, but I don’t think it has any effect on me,” or the classic, “Target is nice, but I would still rather shop at (insert any store name here),” is a sure sign that you or your loved one is in TE denial.

“It is the people in denial that we need to worry about,” says Dr. Dwight Dewey who runs the Target Effect Research Center. He goes on to say, “It is impossible to help those who don’t think they have a problem. Therein lies the real tragedy of TE.”

Dr. Dewey’s TE studies over the last five years have greatly advanced not only the identification of this debilitating disease, but also the treatment options which have already helped millions of women.

“For the longest time I didn’t think there was any help for me and my problem, but thanks to Dr. Dewey and his group, I have been able to find answers and am learning to manage it. I have my good days and bad days, but overall it is getting better,” says Samantha Cole of Long Beach, CA.

Dr. Dewey couldn’t agree more with Samantha. “By identifying this disease we have been able to help women come to grips with its effects, and although we have yet to find a cure, we are helping women manage and cope with it in their daily lives. It is something that we’ll all have to live with for now, but my hope is that someday we will be able to find a cure.”

So strong are his feelings that he has partnered with Target, Inc., who themselves are donating a penny of every 100 dollars they make to the cause. “Every little bit helps,” assured Dr. Dewey.

The amazing thing about TE is that is was once believed to only affect women who have shopped at Target at least once in their lifetime. But recent literature suggests that TE is becoming a global phenomenon, even affecting women who have never actually shopped at the big box retailer. “We had hoped that we would be able to contain this outbreak to the United States, but we have recently found that its reach is far greater than we had anticipated,” says Dr. Dewey. He believes that Target commercials are partly to blame for the rampant spread of TE that has now pushed well beyond the borders of actual store locations. One such case has been reported as far south as Antarctica in a small research hut on the world’s largest ice flow.

“We have seen an especially increased incidence of TE in areas anticipating the construction of a new Target store,” adds Dr. Dewey, citing the alarming rate of TE currently being reported in such areas. “However,” he points out, “even in areas where no Target store is scheduled for construction, TE cases are still significantly higher than they were ten years ago.”

And while many men may be worried about the effects of their spouse’s TE on their lives, Dr. Dewey is quick to point out that in some ways TE can be a blessing in disguise.

“Think about what this really means to you, men” continued Dr. Dewey. “It means at least five minutes of uninterrupted sports highlights. Or five minutes to fall asleep at night before having to worry about any sort of cuddle time. Five minutes to get away from an argument. Or just five minutes of peace and quiet.”

Indeed, the “Target Effect” may be man’s greatest discovery since the remote control and TV dinners. Although TE is manageable, there is still no cure, and men all over the world can still depend on the satisfaction of at least five minutes to get away with anything they want.

Remember, if you or anyone you know may be suffering from TE, please call 1-800-I-HAVE-TE. Help is out there and is only a phone call away. You don't have to suffer through this alone.

1 comment:

McKay Christensen said...

Oh Jared... It has been too long. Much too long. Thank you for making me stay up just a few minutes longer when I should be sleeping.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously