Saturday, September 12, 2009

All Cracked Up

Rumor has it that the easiest way to judge a great carpenter is by the size of his carpenter's crack (this also applies to plumbers, but for the sake of simplicity, we'll focus on the carpenter's crack). Supposedly you can tell a great carpenter simply by looking at his nether regions. The bigger or more pronounced the crack, the better or more highly skilled the carpenter is. Hey I’m not making this stuff up, I’m not that good. I’m just telling you what I've heard...and there is no need for me to tell you the circle of friends from which I've heard it.

I know it seems like a tall tale and a bit hard to swallow – especially when you think about actually looking at someone's carpenters crack in order to judge their skill level – but ask yourself these two things: 1. Who would really make something like this up? and 2. How could something this far out there possibly not be a fact?

As I’ve begun some investigation into this phenomenon, I’ve come across some people who would want us to believe that there is no significant correlation between the size of one’s crack and their skills as a carpenter. Then again, these are those same people, who would lead us to believe there is no significant correlation between the size of a person's head and how smart they are. They would try to tell us that bigger heads do not mean smarter people, which is completely false. We all know that people with bigger heads are definitely smarter then those with tiny ones. It's only logical.

These same people will try to persuade you that crack differences could be merely caused by outside forces such as: A) The carpenter's pants are just too big and accordingly expose more of the cheekage (if you’ll allow me to use that word) than necessary; or B) the carpenter's tool belt is overloaded and heavy and therefore causes a downward force over the buttocks. These claims are just not factual, and I have not thus far found any science to back them up.

However, I must make one side note. This rule does not apply to women of the trade. A woman who exposes her carpenter's crack while working is just considered trashy and such actions are frowned upon by others inside and outside of the business. Call it a double standard if you want, but that's just life.

But if what I've heard of male carpenters is true - and I wholeheartedly believe that it is - and bigger really does equal better, then it would behoove members in such a trade to consider enhancing their cracks. No, I’m not talking about natural enhancement by working out, which takes excruciating amounts of time and effort, or about any of those miracle creams you rub on at night before going to bed that guarantee to double your size. What I’m talking about is going under the knife…getting a butt augmentation…you know, a butt job, thus enhancing the crack cleavage, so to speak, for the purpose of attracting more business.

This would be a smart business move. It could be considered not only a business investment but a write-off as well. Logically, this makes perfect sense.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised to find out that such things are already happening in the industry. How could they not be? If carpenters' skills are judged solely on the size of their butt cleavage, then surely methods for increasing such said cleavage must be happening.

How horrible is that? Talk about false advertising. But what other options would you have as a flat-bottomed non-cracked carpenter? I don't blame the carpenters. Nope, not at all. Quite the contrary, in fact, I feel sorry for them. They must feel like a piece of meat up on display for the whole world to look at and poke while trying decide if it's something good enough to take home. The poor carpenters are a product of society and are left with few choices to make in the matter...go big or stay home. Because we all know they won't be finding work any time soon if they don't.

Take a guy like me for example, who has a relatively flat bottom. All right let’s be honest, I’ve got no butt at all. If what has been said is true and I happened to be a skilled carpenter, people might look at me and laugh, simply judging me by my butt crack and assuming I was a complete dud. My business would suffer because of it. I would be the perfect candidate for a butt augmentation procedure. I think I would at least want to look into what kind of enhancement options were available to me. You know, go into the plastic surgeon's office to look at some different crack pictures before choosing the perfect one for me. I'd probably want to stand up in a mirror holding the pictures to my rear end to see what they'd look like on me. Then after finding the right one, handing it back to the doctor and saying:

"That's it Doc, that's the one for me."

"Are you sure? Don't you want to look at any others, just to be certain?"

"Nope. This is the one. It has me written all over it."

I can only imagine what the guys would say after showing up to work with my new cracked out fanny and of course a brand new working wardrobe to show off my new assets (no pun intended).

"Oh my gosh...check out Jared's crack. It's huge!"

"Yeah, he just got it done."

"What do you mean? It's fake?"

"Yep. Top of the line implants. He says it's really increased business for him."

"Wow. It looks amazing! So Real."

"Yeah, it really does."

Now that I think about it I'm so glad that I'm not a carpenter and I don't have to worry about being judged by the size of my crack. I have a whole new respect for those who choose to follow that career path. It's a man eat man world out there and it seems clear that the man with the bigger crack, always wins.


Laura said...

Jared, this post is just too descriptive. I can't decide if I should read it again for more laughs or attempt to poke out my mind's eye to rid my imagination of all the disgusting details.

Thank you for sharing.

My son says you are funny. I will not be letting him read this post.

TamBaum said...

Crack cleavage? Really, Jared?

LHarmon said...

Nice post Jared! Its always a pleasure to tune into your blog and find new perspective on things. We all get caught up in the grind of daily living and its great to have such wisdom to draw from, it really helps mold some real thought into life. Keep them coming buddy, and I will be back time and time again to ponder your blessed insight.

Nikki said...

What in the world brought this on? I would like to know your sources!!!

Natalie said...

Just beware, before you do anything drastic, Jared, that there are those who judge unfairly moves like this! You might drum up the wrong kind of business!

Lindsay said...

This post specifically triggers a sentimental memory involving a Christmas gift picture of a nearly naked man standing seductively at a wooden staircase. I vaguely remember not noticing that mans crack. Ahh..the memories.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously