Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Perfect Diet

It seems like I’m always hearing people around me talk about the latest diet they’re on or that they plan to try. The two most popular diets I hear about are the Atkins and the South Beach Diets, but the more I hear people talking about them, the more I realize how imperfect these fad diets are and wonder why no one has been able to come up with the ultimate diet – you know, the sure thing. The foolproof way to lose weight. I’m talking about a diet that allows you to drop those unwanted pounds but still lets you enjoy all that yummy food that’s overburdened with carbs and packed full of empty calories. The Perfect Diet.

I’m so tired of waiting for someone to develop a diet like this that I’ve decided to come up with one on my own. And I really must – without sounding like I’m patting myself on my back, which I totally am – say that it’s a doozy. This is a diet so revolutionary, so dynamic, so out of this world that you’ll probably drop 3-5 pounds just reading about it. It is specially formulated for those who wish to eat anything they want to and still drop the weight. That’s right, you heard me correctly – a diet that lets you eat whatever you want whenever you want, and you’ll still shed the weight like water on a newly waxed sports car.

I’m going to call it the North Shore Diet, and without going into all the boring details about how I came up with the name, I’ll keep it simple by saying that I thought it sounded cool (and in case this thing ever gets big, yes, I do have plans for some famous surfer to be my spokesperson). So how exactly does the North Shore Diet work? I thought you’d never ask, especially since I’m already three paragraphs into this and I’m beginning to get the feeling that I sound like a crummy infomercial where I try make you believe you can’t live without some lame product and then I rake you over the coals for shipping just in case you want your money back. But this is way better than a cheesy infomercial...because what I’m about to tell you will absolutely change your life. And I won’t even charge you shipping.

The diet is simple. Think, ‘in with the good out with the bad.’ Imagine you’re craving a greasy, triple patty, triple bacon cheeseburger (a.k.a. the Triple Bypass), and you’re thinking to yourself, there is no diet in the world that will allow this kind of gourmet fare – I’ll just have to sit down with a bowl of tofu instead. Well forget everything you thought you knew about dieting because on the North Shore Diet you are going to sit down to eat that cheeseburger your taste buds have been dancing for. However, alongside the cheeseburger, in this diet you’ll be expected to also sit down with equal portions by weight and size of low fat, low carb food items such as fruits and vegetables.

So here’s how it works: after taking a bite of the unhealthy, high calorie, artery clogging burger, I want you to chew it for as long as you possibly can to savor every possible ounce of flavor. Then, when the urge to swallow it down seems unbearable, spit it out. That’s right, spit it out. In its place I want you to take one mouthful of the healthy, low fat, low carb item and swallow it down as quickly as possible. Repeat the above steps until the burger has been completely chewed up and spit out and the healthy item has been completely chewed up and swallowed…or until you’re full. Whichever comes first.

Yep, it’s that simple. I believe in simplicity.

However, there are a few important things you’ll want to remember. You may be confused as to what kinds of foods to spit and which ones to swallow. Here is an easy rule of thumb: if just thinking about the item makes your mouth salivate, if it’s something that you desperately crave, or if it’s something that can be easily found at any local quick mart, it’s most definitely a spitter. On the other hand, if it is something that makes you want to throw up when you think about it, if it is something your dog won’t even eat, something that usually sits in your cupboards untouched and collecting dust, or if the words “puffed rice” appear anywhere on the packaging, then it’s probably a safe bet that it’s something you can swallow.

This applies to beverages as well. Juices, sodas (yes, diet sodas included), or basically anything with flavor should be enjoyed by swishing around in the mouth before being spit out and promptly followed up by a nice large gulp of healthy water.

And what should you do with all that chewed up and spit out food, you ask? Compost it of course. Throw it in with your grass clippings and yard waste and turn your unwanted food into luscious, nourishing fertilizer for your garden. Truly, recycling at its best. **Note: for this reason I might suggest keeping a five gallon bucket handy while eating, making it quick and easy for throwing into the compost pile.

Another secret to success with the North Shore Diet is to eat the healthy stuff as quickly as possible after spitting out the good stuff. There are two reasons for this. First, the sooner you can get the healthy stuff down, the sooner you can get to another bite of what you are really craving. Second, I find that if the healthy item is eaten quickly after discharging the tasty item, your mind, if even for but a few seconds, is tricked into thinking that the healthy item is in fact the very same as what was just spit out, and is therefore…bearable.

Soon enough you’ll soon discover that the true brilliance of this diet is that it makes the process of eating painfully and excruciatingly long, and in no time you’ll be feeling fuller faster and with a lot less food. In fact, the whole process will likely have you throwing up your arms up in disgust and saying “to hell with it,” thereby eliminating the need or desire to eat another wretched bite.

I’d also suggest keeping a small snack size candy bar and zip-lock baggie of carrots in your purse or glove box for those in between meal snack cravings. As soon as the craving hits, feel free to immediately pop the snack size candy bar into your mouth and chew it to your heart’s content. Savor it for as long as possible, and then when your mouth is overwhelmed by its own saliva (this is where the genius of packing your snack in a zip lock bag comes into play), spit it out into the bag to be conveniently carried back to your compost later. Then, of course, finish by polishing off the lovely carrot sticks, an effort in itself that will quickly remind you of how much you hate the process of eating, causing most – if not all – cravings for between meal snacks to stop.

So there it is, the North Shore Diet in a nutshell, or carrot stick, if you prefer. If you are one of the millions of people seriously considering a diet of some sort in the next little while, I’d whole heartily urge you to take this diet into consideration. After all, it does come with a 100% money back guarantee.


Lindsay said...

I always knew you were a genius I have the blog post to prove it!! Brilliant my man, just brilliant!

Abbie said...

I definitely agree that adopting this diet would eliminate the desire to eat at all. Brilliant.

Samantha said...

should i admit that i used this tactic just this morning, when I was cleaning up after my kids and I took a big bite of a poptart, tasted the yummy goodness, and spit it in the sink?

TamBaum said...

I think you have found your million dollar idea. Now all you have to do is patent and publish it!

Natalie said...

I wondered if you fell off the face of the earth, J-rod. Glad you're back to blogging...I think. I actually feel kinda sick after reading your post!

ckweller said...

I once saw a psyche patient in our hospital doing this exact same thing, hovering over her plate chewing and spitting. I thought it was weird at the time but now after reading your blog I think you guys are catching on to something.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously