Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Perfect Wedding Gift

Ahhhh, spring is upon us! And with it comes the sweet smelling fragrance of newly budding flowers, the sounds of children playing and birds merrily singing, and of course wedding bells.Yes, wedding bells.

Spring, if you didn’t already know, is the most popular season for weddings, followed closely by fall. Nothing could be more fitting than to celebrate the union of two people who are transitioning from single life to married life during these transitional seasons.

With the arrival of spring comes the arrival of, as I am sure you are all aware, wedding announcements in the mail. With each announcement comes the pressure of gift shopping for the couple to be. Some couples’ announcements, those who we hardly know (don’t you love getting those?), can be easily tossed in the nearest garbage can, knowing that we can always say we never got the invitation. However, trashing the announcements of our closer family and friends is not so easily done and we therefore find ourselves trapped into buying a gift to help the merry couple on their way.

I personally have never been a fan of wedding gifts. It’s not the giving of the gift that has ever bothered me, for I believe true happiness comes from giving (which I’m sure my wife will attest to you that I do on a continual daily basis with my love, time, and devotion to her…but that is a topic for another day). No, it is not the giving of gifts that is so bothersome to me but the finding of gifts that is so troubling.

I agonize over it because I want my gift to mean something. I want the couple to know I care. I would like for them, years from now, to remember the gift my wife and I got them for their wedding, and with any luck, tear up a little over the memory. I want it to be the kind of gift where years from now their children call us Uncle and Aunt, even though we aren’t even related.

Such a gift needs to be something big. Something grand. Something out of the ordinary. Something if I dare say…extraordinary! Crystal ware which is used once a year spends the rest of the time collecting dust in the cupboard, and toaster ovens that break after a year just won’t work. They’ve been done. And unless I’m able to find a crystal toaster oven as a gift, I need to find something much more unique. Something that makes people scream, “Wow!” Something…practical! Like a year’s supply of ground beef.

I’m not talking the cheap kind, either. I’m talking 100% Black Angus extra lean ground beef. The healthy choice of course. Or, if you run in vegetarian circles, ground tofu would make a fantastic alternative. Something that will tell the happy couple, “I really care.” When it comes right down to it, who wouldn’t want a year’s supply of ground beef as a gift? It’s what’s in.

I can only imagine the look on the faces of these people after they’ve opened such an extraordinary gift. It would be priceless. They would, I’m sure, feel overwhelmed with emotion knowing that as they begin their wonderful new journey as husband and wife, with all the worries that are inevitably attached to this new and uncertain life, at least stocking up on ground beef won’t be one of them. That burden will have been lifted, almost as if by magic, from their shoulders thanks to my most wonderful and well thought out gift.

In fact the only real problem I see with such a gift would be how to wrap it. It would definitely be something I’d have to keep in the freezer right up until I hopped in the car to leave for the reception.

But if you’re not too keen on the ground beef idea, I’ve got some other ideas as well. Why not give the couple a year’s supply of toilet paper? Go over the top and buy them Charmin Ultra Soft 2-ply. Expensive? Yes. But worth it? Absolutely. Nothing could show the couple you care more than providing them the softest, most bum friendly, double quilted toilet paper available. Everyone needs toilet paper…such a gift would clearly not be wasted.

You could even be funny by wrapping a single roll, and then after they opened it you could explain that the rest of the supply is still loaded up in the bed of your truck. You could even offer to transport it to their new love nest for them. Other gift-givers would definitely be jealous of such a gift, knowing all they brought was a crystal candy dish or a stinking toaster oven.

If a year’s supply of toilet paper seems too personal for the weddings of people you barely know, you might try giving them a year’s supply of paper towels. Same idea, but a little less personal. Might I suggest Bounty Ultra Strong, ultra absorbent paper towels. They are, after all, the quicker picker-uppers. And if you feel so inclined, spice it up a little by throwing in a few of those lovely print varieties. A slightly more expensive move, but the dividends from such action would far outweigh the extra cost.

I could go on with other gift ideas but think I’ll stop, just in case you have a wedding in the near future…I’d like to surprise you. But just remember, when it comes to weddings, I think it’s time for us to ‘think outside the box’ and embrace ‘out with the old and in with the new.’ I can’t wait for those announcements to start rolling in.


Anonymous said...

One of the most memorable gifts we got for our wedding was an envelope opener made of Caribou antlers from YOUR parents! Tell them that we still have it and think of your family each time we use it!...and we've been married almost 10 years!

Lindsay said...

You're brilliant Jared, just brilliant! I am so lucky to call YOU my brother-in-law. Who wouldn't love a year supply of beef! Especially with grocery prices these days. I would!!

Candy said...

OH Jared...too funn!

cort said...

dude you are a good writer, I can't wait to read your book.

cort said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

Life is just too funny to be taken so seriously