Walmart Special

I was reading in the news where Walmart, the world's largest retailer, will be using its new inventory-tracking program to better help its numerous stores keep track of inventory. And no I'm not talking about migrant workers. This newest technology for tracking inventory involves using Radio Frequency Identification technology, or simply put, RFID.

Walmart plans to use this to replace their old outdated method which requires much needed manpower and involves painstakingly taking long hours going up and down the aisles counting each and every item. Walmart plans to have all of its store products tagged with micro-chips to make them user-friendly to the new RFID system. This could potentially make it as easy as looking at a computer screen to monitor not only what is actually leaving the shelves but at what rate. This valuable technology would be useful in keeping track of inventory, allowing the immediate reordering of products as they leave the shelves, and the marketing of certain products - not to mention the obvious benefit in the prevention of shoplifting.

Brilliant idea, right? Not so fast. While many see the usefulness of such technology there are many groups protesting the idea of big box stores such as Walmart, Target, and even Home Depot from using it. These groups say that essentially it will be yet one more step towards a "big brother is watching" society. Many people feel that the stores and thus the government will be able to keep track of them through the microchips found in these products as they leave the store shelves and are taken into the homes of the people who buy them. For example, as one article hypothesized, if you were to buy underwear from Walmart and they have a RFID chip embedded in them, someone - whether that someone is Walmart or The Government or your actual Big Brother - could potentially be used to track you whenever you are wearing those underwear. It is at this point in my story I feel I must ask...boxers or briefs?

Potential problem? Many would say yes, me however, I say meh. I mean what's the big deal? If you have a problem with this technology, you are obviously missing the bigger picture. I see much more of an upside to these chips than a downside. Let me explain.

Let's just say, hypothetically, that the technology was advanced enough to the point where it was possible to track a pair of underwear that has been embedded with a "Big Brother" chip through the vast satellite systems above us. So at any point we could pin point exactly where on the earth that particular pair of underwear was, and for the purpose of this story let's just imagine that the underwear in question was a pair of white boxers with red hearts on them.

If this technology existed then surely the technology would exist for my underwear to send me an email if I were to, say, have a accident in them. The email would be sent immediately upon detection of the incident alerting me of the potentially embarrassing situation, and may even go as far as suggesting what stain remover and laundry detergent to use to remove it. An email that would inform me of the proper laundering techniques for a pair of soiled underwear as soon as it happened would be absolutely helpful. If I have a smart phone on me - which, who doesn't these days? - maybe the microchip could direct me to the nearest laundromat and the quickest route to get there. Taking this a step further, maybe the chips could also be placed in babies' diapers, and a phone call could be made to the parents as soon as the diaper was full and needed to be changed, thus eliminating the embarrassing but preferred method most widely used by parents, the "lift-and-sniff" (see earlier post on this blog entitled "The Lift-and-Sniff").

Such underwear would be useful in other ways as well. I could imagine having the underwear on and if I ever were in a car accident, hearing a sweet and lovely voice emanating from my skivvies, "Mr. Palenske, I see that you have been in an accident. Are you all right? Stay calm. I have help on the way." Or maybe an older person who has fallen would simply have to touch the microchip in their underwear and yell, "Help, I've fallen and can't get up!" The underwear could immediately send this message to the proper authorities.

Or could you imagine driving in a new city and getting lost, but being able to just ask your underwear for directions? "Mr. Palenske you will need to take a right in a quarter of a mile. Oh, and you might want to lay off the Mexican food next time." Or what if I got lost while camping and had no phone reception? All I would have to do is remove my underwear and place them on a stick and wave them above my head, sending an immediate distress call to alert the search and rescue in that area.

Really, the possibilities for this technology are limitless. And think about this: in today's economy jobs are important. Think about the infrastructure and manpower that would be required to run this system. People to track these satellite signals, people to track valuable inventory, sweet-voiced ladies to inform me of accidents in my underpants - that's a lot of jobs! Walmart, already one of the biggest employers in the world, could singlehandedly turn around America's fragile economy. Well, unless they decided to outsource those jobs to India.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be afraid of this technology, we should embrace it. There could be great benefits for the RFID chips, even if it is in everything, including our underwear.

Street Value

So I'm curious...when a doctor is prescribing you pain medicine and gives you some options to choose from, depending on the level of pain you are experiencing...is it kosher to ask him what the "street value" is of his listed pain medicine?

I did that once after my appendectomy a few years ago, only as a joke mind you, and surprisingly enough the doctor didn't find it funny. He almost seemed perturbed about it. (I really love the word perturbed, the way it sounds, its meaning, everything. It's such a strong word in my opinion...a real anchor to a sentence.)

In fact his reaction was similar to a time when a buddy of mine and I were standing in the security line at the airport before a flight. As we were loading our bags onto the conveyer belt to be scanned, my buddy turned to me and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "you did make sure to pack the guns, right?" He and I, being 17, thought it was funny...security, however, did not. Let's just say that it was a good thing we had arrived super early for our flight because we had a nice long visit with some very stern looking men in a back room of the airport, and this was over 15 years ago before September 11 even happened.

So back to my earlier question, I guess I didn't see what the big deal was. I just wanted to know the real "street value" for the pain medicine I would be taking. Is that wrong? I mean, there's only one sure way to know whether I'm getting the good stuff...rely on capitalism at its finest and the experts on the street.

I'd Like That Super-Sized Please

The other day while sitting down to a meal consisting of a triple cheeseburger, extra large fries, double thick chocolate shake, large coke and two delicious apple pies I reached over to the unoccupied table next to me to snag the front page of the newspaper only to find an article talking about how fat we as Americans are becoming. The nerve, I thought to myself as I wiped my greasy fingers on my shirt in order to better get a grip on my chocolate shake. How very un-American. What kind of person would write such dribble and still call themselves American? Trash like this could only come from a communist...or at least a left wing Liberal. As I read further I discovered the author was a well known doctor who had recently published a book about America's health after years of studies and research. Hmmmm, what do doctors really know anyway? They should stick to diagnosing illnesses and prescribing penicillin...health is way out of their ball park.

Out of interest I decided to continue reading and discovered that despite surging obesity numbers in the U.S., a new survey finds that just one out of 10 Americans say their diet is unhealthy. Yeah, so, what's the big deal? I thought as I polished off my burger and began to attack my fries, making sure to dunk them in my shake before popping them down my gullet. So apparently a lot of so called "experts" feel that the portion size of American meals is much larger than that of our European counterparts or any other country for that matter. For comparisons sake, let's just say if we were to compare the portion size of our meals between the French and say a blue whale, well, we're much closer to the blue whale. Which makes sense to me because I hate the French but have never had a problem with the blue whale.

I guess the biggest trouble I had with the article was that it tried to pin the problem on us as individuals, saying it was a "lack of self control." That angered me like a disturbed nest of Africanized honey bees. This is America, people, and we are never responsible for our own actions! If we make mistakes or do something wrong, it is by default someone else's fault-- but never our own. We are never to blame. The thought of suing this so called "doctor" crossed my mind more than once while reading the article and if I hadn't been so busy consuming my apple pies at the time I might have called a lawyer on my cell phone. Who is this man to say my mistakes and bad choices are to blame for my problems and not the result of someone else?

But deep down I knew the real answer for our so called portion size problem. The real problem could easily be found in every home in America. And no, I'm not talking about mice or cockroaches...that's mainly a California and New York City problem. What I'm talking about is the Microwave. Yeah, that handy appliance that heats or re-heats meals in a matter of seconds. The problem is not in the microwave itself but in its size. There is nothing "micro" about the microwave. And for all of you science nerds reading this who want to tell me the reason it's called a microwave is because of the size of electromagnetic wave it uses to cook the food (usually between 1-2 GHz), get out of here. Scram. Beat it! I don't want to hear from you. Because the real definition doesn't help my argument at all so I'm not interested in it.

My point here is that it shouldn't be called a microwave when it's big enough to cook a fully stuffed thanksgiving turkey and mashed potatoes with room to still heat up the cranberry sauce. It should be referred to as the "macrowave." Why is the microwave such a problem, you ask? Well if you aren't one of the science nerds questioning my definition of the microwave, I'll tell you. Because of the large size of our microwave we are forced to eat larger portions...because we can.

Think about it. If microwaves were smaller, we would not be able to cook or reheat such large portions, therefore decreasing the amount of food and calories we would consume. If microwaves were smaller, dishware companies would be forced to make their dishware smaller so it could fit in the smaller microwave, thus helping us even more because these smaller dishes would replace the current platters we currently use called dinner plates. I've seen pig troughs that are smaller in size than our dinnerware.

Are you starting to see the picture? It all starts with the microwave and the evil companies who make them. They are to blame for our ever expanding waistlines. Look at the history of the microwave. Since it's invention the portion sizes of our meals and therefore our weight have increased at almost exactly the same rate. It used to be only the rich who were getting fat when the microwave first came out because they were the only ones who could afford it. Now sadly everyone, even the poorest among us, is affected by the microwave and its propensity to increase our portion sizes of meals.

At first the microwave only affected the meals we ate in our homes, but restaurants soon had to appease our ferocious appetites by increasing their portion sizes as well. It's a vicious cycle, but it is in no way our fault as individuals. It's those money hungry companies who make the microwaves! And why, might you ask, would companies make microwaves so big when smaller ones would be much healthier for us as Americans? The answer is quite simple. We pay a lot more money for the larger microwaves than we would for smaller ones. It's all about lining their pockets with money.

So we must stand together as fat Americans - and if you are too fat to stand, at least raise a chubby hand - in defiance, and demand that microwave companies start making microwaves smaller. Our health as a country is depending on it.

And now that I have said my piece, let me eat in peace because I'm thinking of getting another cheeseburger to go.

The Sky is Falling

The news has been recently filled with stories about hundreds of birds that have died and fallen from the sky in such places as Arkansas, Maryland, Louisiana, and Italy. This is fascinating and far reaching as scientists scramble to discover the reasons why. What could cause such large masses of birds to die and fall from the sky?

I feel, however, that the researchers and media are missing the real answer. In their frantic search for clues they have overlooked the obvious conclusion to this overwhelming mystery...birds do not remain in suspension in the air after they die but indeed fall to the ground. Sir Issac Newton's law of gravity, proven yet again.

The Target Effect

There seems to be a plague of epic proportions sweeping this country. It is commonly known as the “Target Effect,” or as the experts refer to it, “TE.” TE is a disease that primarily affects women of all ages and race and causes them to lose consciousness with the real world for a few moments when the word “Target” is mentioned. This trance-like state typically persists for around five minutes, but has been shown to last 10 minutes or longer in seriously affected individuals.

Signs and symptoms that you or a loved one may be suffering from TE may include any of the following:
-Daydreaming episodes that cannot be broken for five minutes or longer (victim appears to be in a zombie-like trance)
-An uncontrollable desire to shop
-Incoherent speech, also referred to as “babbling,” on and on and on
-Loss of movement in one or all of the major appendages
-Excessive and uncontrollable bouts of drooling
-Sudden loss of words

Please note that for sufferers of TE, these symptoms present themselves almost immediately upon hearing the words “Target,” “Super Target,” or “Target Greatland.”

Although there are no known long-term effects to victims suffering from TE, it is still a serious problem and should be addressed by a qualified medical professional.

If by chance you are a male suffering from these symptoms, please don’t worry. It just means you’re gay.

However, there is still much about this disease that is not known, and many women may not realize that they suffer from TE, or are in denial about it. The use of such phraseology as, “I don’t know what the big deal is, it’s just like Kmart or WalMart,” “I love Target, but I don’t think it has any effect on me,” or the classic, “Target is nice, but I would still rather shop at (insert any store name here),” is a sure sign that you or your loved one is in TE denial.

“It is the people in denial that we need to worry about,” says Dr. Dwight Dewey who runs the Target Effect Research Center. He goes on to say, “It is impossible to help those who don’t think they have a problem. Therein lies the real tragedy of TE.”

Dr. Dewey’s TE studies over the last five years have greatly advanced not only the identification of this debilitating disease, but also the treatment options which have already helped millions of women.

“For the longest time I didn’t think there was any help for me and my problem, but thanks to Dr. Dewey and his group, I have been able to find answers and am learning to manage it. I have my good days and bad days, but overall it is getting better,” says Samantha Cole of Long Beach, CA.

Dr. Dewey couldn’t agree more with Samantha. “By identifying this disease we have been able to help women come to grips with its effects, and although we have yet to find a cure, we are helping women manage and cope with it in their daily lives. It is something that we’ll all have to live with for now, but my hope is that someday we will be able to find a cure.”

So strong are his feelings that he has partnered with Target, Inc., who themselves are donating a penny of every 100 dollars they make to the cause. “Every little bit helps,” assured Dr. Dewey.

The amazing thing about TE is that is was once believed to only affect women who have shopped at Target at least once in their lifetime. But recent literature suggests that TE is becoming a global phenomenon, even affecting women who have never actually shopped at the big box retailer. “We had hoped that we would be able to contain this outbreak to the United States, but we have recently found that its reach is far greater than we had anticipated,” says Dr. Dewey. He believes that Target commercials are partly to blame for the rampant spread of TE that has now pushed well beyond the borders of actual store locations. One such case has been reported as far south as Antarctica in a small research hut on the world’s largest ice flow.

“We have seen an especially increased incidence of TE in areas anticipating the construction of a new Target store,” adds Dr. Dewey, citing the alarming rate of TE currently being reported in such areas. “However,” he points out, “even in areas where no Target store is scheduled for construction, TE cases are still significantly higher than they were ten years ago.”

And while many men may be worried about the effects of their spouse’s TE on their lives, Dr. Dewey is quick to point out that in some ways TE can be a blessing in disguise.

“Think about what this really means to you, men” continued Dr. Dewey. “It means at least five minutes of uninterrupted sports highlights. Or five minutes to fall asleep at night before having to worry about any sort of cuddle time. Five minutes to get away from an argument. Or just five minutes of peace and quiet.”

Indeed, the “Target Effect” may be man’s greatest discovery since the remote control and TV dinners. Although TE is manageable, there is still no cure, and men all over the world can still depend on the satisfaction of at least five minutes to get away with anything they want.

Remember, if you or anyone you know may be suffering from TE, please call 1-800-I-HAVE-TE. Help is out there and is only a phone call away. You don't have to suffer through this alone.

Only 11 More Days

The time has gone much too quickly. It feels like Thanksgiving was only yesterday. If only I could slow down time...it feels as if it is zooming right past me and the day will be here before I can truly enjoy this season.

But alas the day is almost here where as parents we'll have to come up with something else besides the "Santa is watching" excuse for keeping our kids in line. We'll have to make good use of it every day between now and Christmas I guess. Oh, how quickly the window for this parenting tool comes and goes.

What is Cool?

It is my belief that the coolest people in this world are those people who have a personal alien encounter story. Seriously, does it get any cooler than that? And if it's a story of actually being abducted by aliens....well then, you are the coolest of cool people.

What do you guys think...what makes a person cool?