Dating Pointers For Men

I recently read an article about Scott Peterson. You may remember him from several years ago….he was the man convicted of murdering his wife and unborn child while having an affair. Scott has received multiple marriage proposals from women across the nation. I don't understand why an adulterer sitting on death row is considered a good catch. Still, I can't help but feel bad for the clueless bachelors who are competing with the hardened inmates of the prison system…and losing. Let’s face it, prisoners have the advantage of working out all day and keeping in great shape. Plus, a woman will ALWAYS know where her prisoner is.


Therefore, I intend to help even the odds for out-of-shape, out-of-prison bachelors everywhere. Because I am married, and haven’t dated for many years, I am in a unique situation to give advice to unmarried men about how to become more attractive to the opposite sex. One might assume I am qualified because I used these same techniques and they successfully worked for me, but those people would be wrong. Instead, I tricked my wife into believing I was a death-row inmate who was convicted of murder, but that story is for another day.

Guys, some tried and true methods for impressing women include cleaning your apartment. By cleaning, I don't mean kicking filthy laundry underneath the bed to rot. Women, for some strange reason, like the idea of dating a man who can keep a clean, rodent-free apartment. Therefore, I recommend hiring a maid service since no man in the history of the world has managed a clean apartment. If you cannot afford a cleaning service, one will be provided for you. That’s right, I recommend moving back home. While women don’t normally get too excited about dating a 30-something man who lives with his parents, they do seem to prefer it to stepping on rats late at night.

Women love flowers. Flowers are to women what fire hydrants are to dogs: something bright that they like to sniff. Recommended flowers include roses, daisies, and those pretty yellow things. Never, ever try and impress a woman by showing her the collection of mushrooms growing from the rotten clothes beneath your bed. Mushrooms are not flowers, and trust me, in this situation your gardening skills will be wasted on her.

This next method should go without saying, but because this article is for men, I will say it. Don't flirt with other women while on a date. Many single men, and far too many married ones, fail to grasp this concept. An example will help to illustrate the problem. At dinner while being served by a cute waitress, do you chat her up and ignore your date who sits across the table and glares into her drink? If you answered “yes” I had better explain it in a simple-to-understand analogy: when you watch a football game, do you cheer for both sides? Of course not! Pick a team and go with them all the way. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Another option to impress the fairer sex is to take it slow before making the first move. Generally, busting a move the first date sends a signal of, "I watch too much tv and believe everybody makes out on their first date." While this works for the men on television, you have two things going against you: 1) the story on tv is scripted by idiots (mainly unmarried men) and not even close to reality, and 2) you aren’t nearly as attractive as the men on television. Instead, impress a lady by talking with her intelligently about something other than tv, sports, or how cute the waitress who served your dinner happened to be. If you have never tried an intelligent conversation before, which may be very likely, take it slow. Practice with yourself in front of the mirror and eventually you will be very surprised by the results. Only then are you ready to try it on a date, but please, leave the mirror at home.

Favorite, wrinkled shirts are great for wearing around home where nobody will ever see (or smell) you, but are forbidden on a date. Think about it, gentleman, Scott Peterson didn't get any marriage proposals until AFTER he changed into a freshly laundered jail suit. Try dressing up yourself. Stripes are in this season.

Under no circumstance should you ever tell a woman what you are really thinking. Doing so might cause her an upset stomach or possibly, depending on how much you actually tell her, heart-failure. Instead, lie. Lie through your teeth. In the rare case that you are actually thinking about your date, and not 1) the waitress, or 2) your favorite sports team, tell her you are thinking about her eyes. In a situation like this, as with boxing, you want to focus your efforts on your opponents face…the rest of your date’s anatomy is off-limits for discussion. Off-limits, gentlemen. Don’t mention anything but the eyes.

If single men are unable to follow these rules, I’m afraid that the nation’s jail cells will fill up with men hoping to get married. Men, there is hope! Once you’re married, these rules no longer apply.

Tag Line: Mark Palenske has never done jail time although once, in third grade, he did some serious “time out” time for a crime he swears he didn’t commit. It was his brother. The case is still under appeal.

The Choice is Yours

In our lives we face many choices. Choices such as running or pulling over when the police pull up behind you with their lights flashing, for example. Or a decision about whether or not to buy the new Justin Bieber, Never Say Never, album. Whatever the choice may be there are consequences, whether they be good or bad, for the decision you make. For example if you choose to run from the cops you may be spending some time in jail, however if you choose to pull over you could be receiving a ticket. And if you choose to buy Justin Bieber's new album, you might have to face the humiliation of your friends laughing at you for buying it. Then again, if you choose not to buy it, you could be missing a great opportunity of experiencing the talented musical sensation know as Bieber that is sweeping this country. The choice is yours, the consequences are not.

Which is why I find myself alone at home staring at the last piece of cherry cream pie in the fridge wondering what I should do. Now I know my wife told me I had better not touch it because she has yet to have a piece and that our kids and I have had more than our fair share. I also know that she said she planned on eating it as soon as she got back home from picking up our child from preschool. I understand all of this. But as I am sitting here staring at the pie, I realize I have a choice. I can obey my wife's wishes and leave the pie alone which will not help my grumbling stomach or I can choose to eat the last piece of the pie and face the wrath of a very angry wife later. Decisions... decisions...why do they always have to be so hard?

The Target Effect

There seems to be a plague of epic proportions sweeping this country. It is commonly known as the “Target Effect,” or as the experts refer to it, “TE.” TE is a disease that primarily affects women of all ages and race and causes them to lose consciousness with the real world for a few moments when the word “Target” is mentioned. This trance-like state typically persists for around five minutes, but has been shown to last 10 minutes or longer in seriously affected individuals.

Signs and symptoms that you or a loved one may be suffering from TE may include any of the following:
-Daydreaming episodes that cannot be broken for five minutes or longer (victim appears to be in a zombie-like trance)
-An uncontrollable desire to shop
-Incoherent speech, also referred to as “babbling,” on and on and on
-Loss of movement in one or all of the major appendages
-Excessive and uncontrollable bouts of drooling
-Sudden loss of words

Please note that for sufferers of TE, these symptoms present themselves almost immediately upon hearing the words “Target,” “Super Target,” or “Target Greatland.”

Although there are no known long-term effects to victims suffering from TE, it is still a serious problem and should be addressed by a qualified medical professional.

If by chance you are a male suffering from these symptoms, please don’t worry. It just means you’re gay.

However, there is still much about this disease that is not known, and many women may not realize that they suffer from TE, or are in denial about it. The use of such phraseology as, “I don’t know what the big deal is, it’s just like Kmart or WalMart,” “I love Target, but I don’t think it has any effect on me,” or the classic, “Target is nice, but I would still rather shop at (insert any store name here),” is a sure sign that you or your loved one is in TE denial.

“It is the people in denial that we need to worry about,” says Dr. Dwight Dewey who runs the Target Effect Research Center. He goes on to say, “It is impossible to help those who don’t think they have a problem. Therein lies the real tragedy of TE.”

Dr. Dewey’s TE studies over the last five years have greatly advanced not only the identification of this debilitating disease, but also the treatment options which have already helped millions of women.

“For the longest time I didn’t think there was any help for me and my problem, but thanks to Dr. Dewey and his group, I have been able to find answers and am learning to manage it. I have my good days and bad days, but overall it is getting better,” says Samantha Cole of Long Beach, CA.

Dr. Dewey couldn’t agree more with Samantha. “By identifying this disease we have been able to help women come to grips with its effects, and although we have yet to find a cure, we are helping women manage and cope with it in their daily lives. It is something that we’ll all have to live with for now, but my hope is that someday we will be able to find a cure.”

So strong are his feelings that he has partnered with Target, Inc., who themselves are donating a penny of every 100 dollars they make to the cause. “Every little bit helps,” assured Dr. Dewey.

The amazing thing about TE is that is was once believed to only affect women who have shopped at Target at least once in their lifetime. But recent literature suggests that TE is becoming a global phenomenon, even affecting women who have never actually shopped at the big box retailer. “We had hoped that we would be able to contain this outbreak to the United States, but we have recently found that its reach is far greater than we had anticipated,” says Dr. Dewey. He believes that Target commercials are partly to blame for the rampant spread of TE that has now pushed well beyond the borders of actual store locations. One such case has been reported as far south as Antarctica in a small research hut on the world’s largest ice flow.

“We have seen an especially increased incidence of TE in areas anticipating the construction of a new Target store,” adds Dr. Dewey, citing the alarming rate of TE currently being reported in such areas. “However,” he points out, “even in areas where no Target store is scheduled for construction, TE cases are still significantly higher than they were ten years ago.”

And while many men may be worried about the effects of their spouse’s TE on their lives, Dr. Dewey is quick to point out that in some ways TE can be a blessing in disguise.

“Think about what this really means to you, men” continued Dr. Dewey. “It means at least five minutes of uninterrupted sports highlights. Or five minutes to fall asleep at night before having to worry about any sort of cuddle time. Five minutes to get away from an argument. Or just five minutes of peace and quiet.”

Indeed, the “Target Effect” may be man’s greatest discovery since the remote control and TV dinners. Although TE is manageable, there is still no cure, and men all over the world can still depend on the satisfaction of at least five minutes to get away with anything they want.

Remember, if you or anyone you know may be suffering from TE, please call 1-800-I-HAVE-TE. Help is out there and is only a phone call away. You don't have to suffer through this alone.

The Perfect Wedding Gift

Ahhhh, spring is upon us! And with it comes the sweet smelling fragrance of newly budding flowers, the sounds of children playing and birds merrily singing, and of course wedding bells.Yes, wedding bells.

Spring, if you didn’t already know, is the most popular season for weddings, followed closely by fall. Nothing could be more fitting than to celebrate the union of two people who are transitioning from single life to married life during these transitional seasons.

With the arrival of spring comes the arrival of, as I am sure you are all aware, wedding announcements in the mail. With each announcement comes the pressure of gift shopping for the couple to be. Some couples’ announcements, those who we hardly know (don’t you love getting those?), can be easily tossed in the nearest garbage can, knowing that we can always say we never got the invitation. However, trashing the announcements of our closer family and friends is not so easily done and we therefore find ourselves trapped into buying a gift to help the merry couple on their way.

I personally have never been a fan of wedding gifts. It’s not the giving of the gift that has ever bothered me, for I believe true happiness comes from giving (which I’m sure my wife will attest to you that I do on a continual daily basis with my love, time, and devotion to her…but that is a topic for another day). No, it is not the giving of gifts that is so bothersome to me but the finding of gifts that is so troubling.

I agonize over it because I want my gift to mean something. I want the couple to know I care. I would like for them, years from now, to remember the gift my wife and I got them for their wedding, and with any luck, tear up a little over the memory. I want it to be the kind of gift where years from now their children call us Uncle and Aunt, even though we aren’t even related.

Such a gift needs to be something big. Something grand. Something out of the ordinary. Something if I dare say…extraordinary! Crystal ware which is used once a year spends the rest of the time collecting dust in the cupboard, and toaster ovens that break after a year just won’t work. They’ve been done. And unless I’m able to find a crystal toaster oven as a gift, I need to find something much more unique. Something that makes people scream, “Wow!” Something…practical! Like a year’s supply of ground beef.

I’m not talking the cheap kind, either. I’m talking 100% Black Angus extra lean ground beef. The healthy choice of course. Or, if you run in vegetarian circles, ground tofu would make a fantastic alternative. Something that will tell the happy couple, “I really care.” When it comes right down to it, who wouldn’t want a year’s supply of ground beef as a gift? It’s what’s in.

I can only imagine the look on the faces of these people after they’ve opened such an extraordinary gift. It would be priceless. They would, I’m sure, feel overwhelmed with emotion knowing that as they begin their wonderful new journey as husband and wife, with all the worries that are inevitably attached to this new and uncertain life, at least stocking up on ground beef won’t be one of them. That burden will have been lifted, almost as if by magic, from their shoulders thanks to my most wonderful and well thought out gift.

In fact the only real problem I see with such a gift would be how to wrap it. It would definitely be something I’d have to keep in the freezer right up until I hopped in the car to leave for the reception.

But if you’re not too keen on the ground beef idea, I’ve got some other ideas as well. Why not give the couple a year’s supply of toilet paper? Go over the top and buy them Charmin Ultra Soft 2-ply. Expensive? Yes. But worth it? Absolutely. Nothing could show the couple you care more than providing them the softest, most bum friendly, double quilted toilet paper available. Everyone needs toilet paper…such a gift would clearly not be wasted.

You could even be funny by wrapping a single roll, and then after they opened it you could explain that the rest of the supply is still loaded up in the bed of your truck. You could even offer to transport it to their new love nest for them. Other gift-givers would definitely be jealous of such a gift, knowing all they brought was a crystal candy dish or a stinking toaster oven.

If a year’s supply of toilet paper seems too personal for the weddings of people you barely know, you might try giving them a year’s supply of paper towels. Same idea, but a little less personal. Might I suggest Bounty Ultra Strong, ultra absorbent paper towels. They are, after all, the quicker picker-uppers. And if you feel so inclined, spice it up a little by throwing in a few of those lovely print varieties. A slightly more expensive move, but the dividends from such action would far outweigh the extra cost.

I could go on with other gift ideas but think I’ll stop, just in case you have a wedding in the near future…I’d like to surprise you. But just remember, when it comes to weddings, I think it’s time for us to ‘think outside the box’ and embrace ‘out with the old and in with the new.’ I can’t wait for those announcements to start rolling in.