The Royal Flush

“No…no…no, this can’t be happening,” you think to yourself, “Please, no. Why me? Why now?” You flush the toilet for the second time but to no avail the water rises to just below the rim before slowly seeping back down. What do you do? You don’t dare risk flushing it for a third time because if your friends, who are gathered in the room near the bathroom, hear it will be obvious. The worst part about it is that it’s not even at your own house. You have to do something because you have already been in the bathroom way too long and your friends are going to start to wonder what’s happened. In a frantic panic you scramble around the tiny guest bathroom in search of the only thing that can possibly save you, a plunger, but to no avail. You’re stuck, or more correctly, it’s stuck – as in the doogie you just let go in your friend’s bathroom – and even a royal flush isn’t going to help you out of this situation.

As if clogging a toilet isn’t ever bad enough, doing it while in your friend’s bathroom during a party is even worse. What are you supposed to do in that kind of situation? If you walk out and pretend nothing happened you risk allowing someone else to go in there and do their business, risking the inevitable and highly feared double stacked doogie backup. And that’s not cool to do to anyone. I don’t even care if it was your worst enemy…still not cool. Not to mention how hard it is on the plumbing. I hate to admit that I once was a part of a triple stacked doogie backup and needless to say it wasn’t pretty. I’m not sure if my friend’s toilet ever did recover.

Here’s the deal, this is a problem that can easily be avoided in one of three ways. First, don’t ever take a dump in a friend’s bathroom, no matter how badly it hurts or how knotted up your guts may be. Although this is by far the most effective method for preventing a clogged toilet at a friend’s house, I understand that it may not be the most practical. The second suggestion is that we could all stand to use a little more fiber in our diets. I’m not going to get all preachy about this, but it wouldn’t kill us to eat a vegetable every now and then. I’m just saying. And finally the third method, one which would take a collective effort on all of our parts, is to make sure that every bathroom in the house has a plunger near the toilet. If this can’t be done, the least you could do is post some sort of signage stating the potential risk of pooping in that bathroom.

I think putting a plunger in each bathroom should be considered common courtesy when hosting friends over at ones house, otherwise you run a risk - as the host - of getting a double stacked doogie backup in your own toilet because nobody in their right mind is going to come out of a bathroom and ask you for a plunger in front of the rest of the group. Nor should they have to. It is your job as the host to provide it, in my most humble opinion on such a delicate topic as this.

I mean seriously, how hard is it to place a plunger in every bathroom of the house. I would understand the sparseness if it was a really expensive item - but it’s not. Even in today’s economy. Ten dollars or less will buy you a plunger, twenty dollars for your top of the line model, which still is not that much when considering a) the amount of embarrassment, and b) the cost in plumber’s fees you would be saving from having your friends go through the above scenario.

This goes well beyond just common sense and courtesy. This is a social issue that needs to be addressed. I’m not big on big government, but I think this might be something important enough to consider having a little government assistance in. Perhaps the government could provide some sort of buy back incentive program for stocking every bathroom in the house with a plunger. Maybe they could pay for half of the cost by sending you a rebate check upon them receiving proof of your receipt. I mean really, wouldn’t we just be making America a much better and much less embarrassing place? Can we really put a price on that? A collective effort on all of our parts could lead to a complete eradication of the feared clogged toilet or even worse, the double stacked doogie backup. Just as vaccinations have done for smallpox and measles worldwide. Make a stand people, and let’s say no to clogged toilets and embarrassing moments in social situations by providing every bathroom in America with a plunger. Now who’s with me?

Starving Children in Africa

There it was again, that commercial that tugs at the heart strings. You know, the one with soft music playing in the background while it flashes pictures of starving children in Africa across the screen, with a voice that says "for just a dollar a day you can feed a starving child in Africa. That's less than the cost of a cup of coffee." This tells me one of two things: Either people are paying way too much for their coffee, or food in Africa is a heck of a lot cheaper than in the US, because there is no way I could feed my kids on a dollar a day. Now let me stop this right here before anyone jumps to conclusions by assuming I'm making fun of starving children in Africa. I'm not. Far from it. I know it's a problem and something needs to be done about it. But that being said, I'm fascinated to know that just $1 a day is enough to help a child from starving.

I guess I didn't know a buck had that much buying power, especially in today's economy where the value of the dollar has been diving faster than Greg Louganis in the 1988 Olympics - that's right, I just pulled a seriously old school reference. He won gold by the way ,which is the same precious metal our dollar was once backed by, in case you were wondering. Yes, I realize Dollar Stores are springing up across America faster than the population of China is increasing, but still, $1, even in a Dollar Store, can't feed a person for a day - well not in America anyway.

I think that's what I am most interested in here...how it is possible to actually feed a child in Africa for $1 a day. What kind of food they will be receiving? Is it three meals a day? Is dessert included? Or are we just talking beans and rice once a day? If it truly is possible to feed a child on just $1 a day in Africa, I'm going to have a serious talk with my wife about shipping my kids there just to save some money on food expenses. Kind of like an exchange student sort of thing, but until they're 18.

It makes some more sense now as to why we never see "feed the starving children in America" commercials. How would the commercial go? "For just $25 a day, you can help feed a starving child in America. That's less than three hours of work a day if you work for minimum wage. Think about it, for only three hours of every work day you can be feeding a child in America the rich nourishment they need to sustain life." It would be pretty difficult to find pictures of American children who aren't overindulged and obese to go along with the sad music. (Note: this is not to say that I think we should blame ourselves for this problem...see here for more details)

I just see too many complications in trying to feed America's starving children commercially. What are we going to do, show how $25 a day helps take them to McDonald's? And how would they address the chubbiness issue? "Yes, little Bobby may look a little plump around the edges, but trust us, he's really starving." It could end with a close-up on the chubby kid's face and then slowly pan out to see him in his living room, sitting on a couch with the sun shining brightly through the window as he is frantically playing away on the X-box while wearing his brand new Nike high-tops. Cut to end of commercial.

I just don't see organizations that are trying to feed the starving children in America working out very well, which is probably why most of them have turned to Africa for their cause. But still, to be able to feed a child on just $1 a day blows my mind. Africa is doing something right if food can be bought for so cheap. Maybe more people in America need to get off of Facebook's FarmVille and get out to farming in the real world (no not MTV's Real World, which there is nothing real about, but that is another whole discussion in itself). Maybe then we could feed our own children on just $1 a day.

In all seriousness I know that there are starving people all across this world and every little bit we can do helps. So I encourage everyone to give of any extra time or money they may have in fighting hunger in this world. I also encourage you to give of any extra money you might have to me. But it you can't, feel free to just leave me a comment here and there instead. You can even keep yourself anonymous if you'd like. I'm just beginning to wonder if I have any readers at all out there. And if I do, are you wondering the same things I am?

America's Broken Healthcare System

Could you imagine taking your car somewhere to have its oil changed but not knowing what you would be paying for that oil change until after the job was completed? Where in this world would you pay for a product or service but not know how much it was going to run you until you received the bill in the mail? I'll tell you where, in our broken health care system, that's where. Look, I'm not here in support for a government-run form of healthcare, in fact I'm against it seeing how everything our government runs seems to go bankrupt. Social security...bankrupt. United States Postal Service...bankrupt. Medicaid and Medicare...also bankrupt. I think you get my point. Our government is not known for handling money or staying within a budget very well. That being said, I would be a fool if I didn't admit that our current healthcare system is as broken as Humpty Dumpty after he fell from the wall (personally I believe he was pushed).

Part of the problem I see with our health care system is that it seems to only cater to the insurance companies and not to the individuals. Doctors and hospitals jack up their prices knowing they will have to give a large discount to the insurance companies and thus, the price for medical attention has blossomed faster than a lily on a warm spring day. Have you ever over inflated a basketball to the point of it rupturing? It isn't pretty, a bit dangerous, and ruins an otherwise perfectly good ball. Our healthcare system is the ball and the costs for medical services represent the air inflating it. Our system is about to burst and we're not even all in the game.

So follow me on this. Doctors and hospitals are forced to raise the price for services because they know that the insurance companies are going to haggle with them for a large discount for sending people their way. That seems all right so far, doesn't it? But wait, what about all of us who have either very crappy or no insurance at all? What happens to us in this scenario? We are stuck paying those inflated costs without the benefit of getting a big discount like the insurance companies. So we're screwed.

So here is my solution. It's a simple one. Screw the insurance companies and cater to the needs of the individuals instead. Set your prices fairly and make insurance companies and individuals pay the exact same across the board. But here's the real kicker: I also want to be able to walk into my doctors office and have a menu of services offered with their listed prices. I'm so tired of asking how much some procedure might cost and having the doctors, nurses, and receptionists look at me as if I'm stupid as they scramble to try to find a price for me. Shouldn't you know what the procedures cost? I mean you're the ones performing them! The lady at Subway knows exactly how much she's planning to charge me for the footlong Spicy Italian before she ever gets out the meat and vegetables...is it too much to ask my doctor's office to be able to do the same? I understand that Dr. So-and-So thinks I need an X-ray. That's fine. Just tell me what it is going to cost so I can shop around and see if someone does it for cheaper elsewhere. At least give me a price I can compare it to. It is simple free-market economics.

Look, I'm a landscaper by trade, so I know a little bit about providing a service and receiving compensation for that service. I really wish I could tell people what they needed done in their yard, perform the service without them knowing how much it is going to cost them, and then bill them after their the project is said and done. That would be great for me, but it's not really practical for the homeowner or ethical on my part. When I bid a job, the homeowner knows exactly what it is going to cost them for each step of the project. That's how business works. You have something I want. You give me a price and I decide if I want whatever it is you have bad enough to pay the price you're asking. If I don't, I am free to shop elsewhere for a similar product, or maybe after shopping around I find that your price isn't so bad after all and come back to purchase it. See how this all works? Of course you do, it's our healthcare system that doesn't.

If I am going to have a heart surgery, show me what it costs. If I have to get my prostate checked with a greasy finger while singing "Moon River" (think Chevy Chase in Fletch), then I really would like to have some idea what it is going to cost me (besides my dignity) before I agree to have it done.

If this were to happen I can only imagine how easy my next doctor visit would be. I would walk in examine the board of procedures and prices above the receptionists desk, or perhaps sit down and peruse a handheld menu of procedures and prices. I look over them carefully, and decide what I need done and if it is going to fit within my budget before approaching the front desk.

"Can I help you sir?" the receptionist would say.
"Yes...I think I'll have one prostate exam, a strep check, and we better do a quick cancer screening as well. Oh and what the heck, let's also remove that wart that's been bugging me."
"Ok sir, it looks like your total is going to come to $750."
"Oh, that's weird. I thought I totaled it up to $800 in my head. How did I do that?"
"Actually sir, it normally would be, but today is Wednesday which is half off wart removal Wednesday. So that saved you $50."
"Wow, that's great. I'll have to remember that and tell my friends."
"Please do sir. And do you have a "Rewards" card with us yet? Every tenth procedure equals a free one of the same or lesser value."
"Well in that case, sign me up."

The Soaring Cost of Airport Food

It's estimated that there are almost 1.5 million people that fly every day in the US. Wow. That's a lot of people and a whole heck of a lot more bags of peanuts being consumed each day. Now I know just from what I've said so far that you might have some ideas as to where I'm heading with this post but let me assure you that I'm in fact not going to be discussing the things you think I might be. No, I'm not going to be discussing TSA's new security policies in which you get to choose from either being filmed naked or aggressively groped. And no, I will not be discussing the outrageous fees that most airlines now charge just to bring your luggage onboard, although I'll admit how ridiculous and infuriating these policies are. No, instead I wish to discuss the price of airport food and how out of control it has become.

Seriously, what's up with the cost of food inside the airports across our country? It's worse than trying to buy silver jewelry on a Mexican beach. At least the pan handlers on the beach are willing to barter and you can usually get them down to a price considered normal. I remember once while flying I had a little time between flights so I decided to grab a bite to eat. I proceeded to what I thought was a decent little burger joint inside the airport and ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a drink. When I went to pay for it, I found out that it was going to cost me $12. Yea, $12 for a burger, fries, and drink which didn't even fill me up.

How can these places charge such outrageous prices? I'm really having a hard time understanding why. It's not that I don't understand the economic concepts of supply and demand, but the cost of airport food is so far past this reasonable theory that it has found its way into the world of ridiculous. Do the people selling the food inside the airport think it's a different country and that they can just charge whatever they want? Do they not understand that we were just groped by some TSA worker right after paying an arm and a leg to get our luggage shipped? Maybe I'm just being too hard on such places and in reality 50% of these peoples profits go to some charitable organization such as "Feed the Children." I'll bet that is what it is and so maybe I'm getting mad over nothing.

I've often thought about opening a chain of restaurants that would be found exclusively inside airports across the US but here's the kicker, what would set my restaurant apart from the rest is I would charge completely normal prices for the food. That's right, you'd be able to get food inside the airport for the exact same cost as outside the airport. What a novel idea, I know. People would flock to my restaurants I'm sure.

I'm a little apprehensive about doing it though because for all I know the food industry and therefore food prices inside the airport could be run by the Mafia. If this is the case and I came in with lower prices I can only imagine what might happen if the father of the Mafia came inside my restaurant to talk to me. "Look, Jared, I welcomed you and your restaurant into the airport. I took you in and treated you like family and even helped you get your feet under you. Yet, you still insist on selling a burger, fries, and soda at six dollars. I'm sorry Jared but I have to put my foot down. Go ahead boys, trash the place."

Going Out of Business

In today's world of economic uncertainty, many people are worried about the possibility of losing their jobs. Let's face it, unless you are working for one of the companies that our beloved (please notice the rolling of my eyes) government deems as "too big to fail," the security of your company's existence in today's economy could be about as good as the possibility of you walking on the moon. That's not to say there aren't some really good companies out there that are prepared and able to weather the storm, but I'd say most companies do not fall into this category, and thus for the rest of us there is the real possibility we could lose our jobs.

The hardest part about a company failing is not in the failure itself but in its employees not being able to recognize the warning signs before it happens. If employees could notice the red flags of failure far enough in advance, they could buy themselves valuable time to search elsewhere for employment before the sinking of the ship has them going down with it.

Here is a list of potential warning signs - which is in no way exhaustive - that the company you work for may be going under. Please note that just one of these signs alone is probably not reason to panic, but if you begin to see two or three of these signs in the company you work for, you probably need to find a new job. Chances are good that the word "paycheck" from this company will soon be obsolete.

Warning signs that the company you work for may be going out of business.

• You are asked to conserve on the use of sticky notes by using both the front side and back side before throwing them away.
• You experience rolling power outages in your offices to save money on the electrical bill.
• There is a "Starbucks Coffee, Coming Soon" sign posted outside your office building.
• Your boss races to the bank on payday before anyone else has even received their check.
• You have been encouraged to bring in your own envelopes and stamps to work.
• The recycle bin is now your only source for toilet paper.
• The Army and Air Force have set up recruitment booths in your office building.
• 80% of the calls coming into the office wish to speak to accounts payable.
• "The check is in the mail" is the phrase most often uttered out of your boss' mouth, followed shortly by "it was sent just the other day" when he is talking on the phone.
• You catch your boss in his office scouring through the help wanted ads.
• The domain name for your company's website is currently up for sale.
• Words like "bounced check" and "drained account" are common phrases heard around the office on pay day.
• You hear people say things like "Oh, are they still around?" after telling them where you work.
• The temperature in the office is 55 degrees in the winter and 85 degrees in the summer.
• Office supplies have run so low that nobody is even stealing from them anymore.
• The annual Christmas party has been replaced by a new tradition called the annual Christmas card.
• Your end of year bonus was a 20% of at Office Max coupon from the weekend paper.
• The internet speed in your office has gone from high-speed cable to dial-up, and your boss is struggling to try to explain the benefits of this change to everyone.
• While everything else around the office has been scaled back because of budget issues, security has almost doubled.
• Office employees have now been assigned cleaning chores after the cancelation of the nightly janitorial services.
  

Remember, these are but a few of the many warning signs out there and just one or two of these alone may not be an indication that the company you work for going out of business. However, the presence of any 3 or more of these signs is almost a sure sign of it failing. In today's economy all precautions are necessary. And please, if you can think of any other warning signs that the company you work for may be about to fail, do us all a public service and list it in the comments section below.

Walmart Special

I was reading in the news where Walmart, the world's largest retailer, will be using its new inventory-tracking program to better help its numerous stores keep track of inventory. And no I'm not talking about migrant workers. This newest technology for tracking inventory involves using Radio Frequency Identification technology, or simply put, RFID.

Walmart plans to use this to replace their old outdated method which requires much needed manpower and involves painstakingly taking long hours going up and down the aisles counting each and every item. Walmart plans to have all of its store products tagged with micro-chips to make them user-friendly to the new RFID system. This could potentially make it as easy as looking at a computer screen to monitor not only what is actually leaving the shelves but at what rate. This valuable technology would be useful in keeping track of inventory, allowing the immediate reordering of products as they leave the shelves, and the marketing of certain products - not to mention the obvious benefit in the prevention of shoplifting.

Brilliant idea, right? Not so fast. While many see the usefulness of such technology there are many groups protesting the idea of big box stores such as Walmart, Target, and even Home Depot from using it. These groups say that essentially it will be yet one more step towards a "big brother is watching" society. Many people feel that the stores and thus the government will be able to keep track of them through the microchips found in these products as they leave the store shelves and are taken into the homes of the people who buy them. For example, as one article hypothesized, if you were to buy underwear from Walmart and they have a RFID chip embedded in them, someone - whether that someone is Walmart or The Government or your actual Big Brother - could potentially be used to track you whenever you are wearing those underwear. It is at this point in my story I feel I must ask...boxers or briefs?

Potential problem? Many would say yes, me however, I say meh. I mean what's the big deal? If you have a problem with this technology, you are obviously missing the bigger picture. I see much more of an upside to these chips than a downside. Let me explain.

Let's just say, hypothetically, that the technology was advanced enough to the point where it was possible to track a pair of underwear that has been embedded with a "Big Brother" chip through the vast satellite systems above us. So at any point we could pin point exactly where on the earth that particular pair of underwear was, and for the purpose of this story let's just imagine that the underwear in question was a pair of white boxers with red hearts on them.

If this technology existed then surely the technology would exist for my underwear to send me an email if I were to, say, have a accident in them. The email would be sent immediately upon detection of the incident alerting me of the potentially embarrassing situation, and may even go as far as suggesting what stain remover and laundry detergent to use to remove it. An email that would inform me of the proper laundering techniques for a pair of soiled underwear as soon as it happened would be absolutely helpful. If I have a smart phone on me - which, who doesn't these days? - maybe the microchip could direct me to the nearest laundromat and the quickest route to get there. Taking this a step further, maybe the chips could also be placed in babies' diapers, and a phone call could be made to the parents as soon as the diaper was full and needed to be changed, thus eliminating the embarrassing but preferred method most widely used by parents, the "lift-and-sniff" (see earlier post on this blog entitled "The Lift-and-Sniff").

Such underwear would be useful in other ways as well. I could imagine having the underwear on and if I ever were in a car accident, hearing a sweet and lovely voice emanating from my skivvies, "Mr. Palenske, I see that you have been in an accident. Are you all right? Stay calm. I have help on the way." Or maybe an older person who has fallen would simply have to touch the microchip in their underwear and yell, "Help, I've fallen and can't get up!" The underwear could immediately send this message to the proper authorities.

Or could you imagine driving in a new city and getting lost, but being able to just ask your underwear for directions? "Mr. Palenske you will need to take a right in a quarter of a mile. Oh, and you might want to lay off the Mexican food next time." Or what if I got lost while camping and had no phone reception? All I would have to do is remove my underwear and place them on a stick and wave them above my head, sending an immediate distress call to alert the search and rescue in that area.

Really, the possibilities for this technology are limitless. And think about this: in today's economy jobs are important. Think about the infrastructure and manpower that would be required to run this system. People to track these satellite signals, people to track valuable inventory, sweet-voiced ladies to inform me of accidents in my underpants - that's a lot of jobs! Walmart, already one of the biggest employers in the world, could singlehandedly turn around America's fragile economy. Well, unless they decided to outsource those jobs to India.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be afraid of this technology, we should embrace it. There could be great benefits for the RFID chips, even if it is in everything, including our underwear.