Starving Children in Africa

There it was again, that commercial that tugs at the heart strings. You know, the one with soft music playing in the background while it flashes pictures of starving children in Africa across the screen, with a voice that says "for just a dollar a day you can feed a starving child in Africa. That's less than the cost of a cup of coffee." This tells me one of two things: Either people are paying way too much for their coffee, or food in Africa is a heck of a lot cheaper than in the US, because there is no way I could feed my kids on a dollar a day. Now let me stop this right here before anyone jumps to conclusions by assuming I'm making fun of starving children in Africa. I'm not. Far from it. I know it's a problem and something needs to be done about it. But that being said, I'm fascinated to know that just $1 a day is enough to help a child from starving.

I guess I didn't know a buck had that much buying power, especially in today's economy where the value of the dollar has been diving faster than Greg Louganis in the 1988 Olympics - that's right, I just pulled a seriously old school reference. He won gold by the way ,which is the same precious metal our dollar was once backed by, in case you were wondering. Yes, I realize Dollar Stores are springing up across America faster than the population of China is increasing, but still, $1, even in a Dollar Store, can't feed a person for a day - well not in America anyway.

I think that's what I am most interested in here...how it is possible to actually feed a child in Africa for $1 a day. What kind of food they will be receiving? Is it three meals a day? Is dessert included? Or are we just talking beans and rice once a day? If it truly is possible to feed a child on just $1 a day in Africa, I'm going to have a serious talk with my wife about shipping my kids there just to save some money on food expenses. Kind of like an exchange student sort of thing, but until they're 18.

It makes some more sense now as to why we never see "feed the starving children in America" commercials. How would the commercial go? "For just $25 a day, you can help feed a starving child in America. That's less than three hours of work a day if you work for minimum wage. Think about it, for only three hours of every work day you can be feeding a child in America the rich nourishment they need to sustain life." It would be pretty difficult to find pictures of American children who aren't overindulged and obese to go along with the sad music. (Note: this is not to say that I think we should blame ourselves for this problem...see here for more details)

I just see too many complications in trying to feed America's starving children commercially. What are we going to do, show how $25 a day helps take them to McDonald's? And how would they address the chubbiness issue? "Yes, little Bobby may look a little plump around the edges, but trust us, he's really starving." It could end with a close-up on the chubby kid's face and then slowly pan out to see him in his living room, sitting on a couch with the sun shining brightly through the window as he is frantically playing away on the X-box while wearing his brand new Nike high-tops. Cut to end of commercial.

I just don't see organizations that are trying to feed the starving children in America working out very well, which is probably why most of them have turned to Africa for their cause. But still, to be able to feed a child on just $1 a day blows my mind. Africa is doing something right if food can be bought for so cheap. Maybe more people in America need to get off of Facebook's FarmVille and get out to farming in the real world (no not MTV's Real World, which there is nothing real about, but that is another whole discussion in itself). Maybe then we could feed our own children on just $1 a day.

In all seriousness I know that there are starving people all across this world and every little bit we can do helps. So I encourage everyone to give of any extra time or money they may have in fighting hunger in this world. I also encourage you to give of any extra money you might have to me. But it you can't, feel free to just leave me a comment here and there instead. You can even keep yourself anonymous if you'd like. I'm just beginning to wonder if I have any readers at all out there. And if I do, are you wondering the same things I am?

I'd Like That Super-Sized Please

The other day while sitting down to a meal consisting of a triple cheeseburger, extra large fries, double thick chocolate shake, large coke and two delicious apple pies I reached over to the unoccupied table next to me to snag the front page of the newspaper only to find an article talking about how fat we as Americans are becoming. The nerve, I thought to myself as I wiped my greasy fingers on my shirt in order to better get a grip on my chocolate shake. How very un-American. What kind of person would write such dribble and still call themselves American? Trash like this could only come from a communist...or at least a left wing Liberal. As I read further I discovered the author was a well known doctor who had recently published a book about America's health after years of studies and research. Hmmmm, what do doctors really know anyway? They should stick to diagnosing illnesses and prescribing penicillin...health is way out of their ball park.

Out of interest I decided to continue reading and discovered that despite surging obesity numbers in the U.S., a new survey finds that just one out of 10 Americans say their diet is unhealthy. Yeah, so, what's the big deal? I thought as I polished off my burger and began to attack my fries, making sure to dunk them in my shake before popping them down my gullet. So apparently a lot of so called "experts" feel that the portion size of American meals is much larger than that of our European counterparts or any other country for that matter. For comparisons sake, let's just say if we were to compare the portion size of our meals between the French and say a blue whale, well, we're much closer to the blue whale. Which makes sense to me because I hate the French but have never had a problem with the blue whale.

I guess the biggest trouble I had with the article was that it tried to pin the problem on us as individuals, saying it was a "lack of self control." That angered me like a disturbed nest of Africanized honey bees. This is America, people, and we are never responsible for our own actions! If we make mistakes or do something wrong, it is by default someone else's fault-- but never our own. We are never to blame. The thought of suing this so called "doctor" crossed my mind more than once while reading the article and if I hadn't been so busy consuming my apple pies at the time I might have called a lawyer on my cell phone. Who is this man to say my mistakes and bad choices are to blame for my problems and not the result of someone else?

But deep down I knew the real answer for our so called portion size problem. The real problem could easily be found in every home in America. And no, I'm not talking about mice or cockroaches...that's mainly a California and New York City problem. What I'm talking about is the Microwave. Yeah, that handy appliance that heats or re-heats meals in a matter of seconds. The problem is not in the microwave itself but in its size. There is nothing "micro" about the microwave. And for all of you science nerds reading this who want to tell me the reason it's called a microwave is because of the size of electromagnetic wave it uses to cook the food (usually between 1-2 GHz), get out of here. Scram. Beat it! I don't want to hear from you. Because the real definition doesn't help my argument at all so I'm not interested in it.

My point here is that it shouldn't be called a microwave when it's big enough to cook a fully stuffed thanksgiving turkey and mashed potatoes with room to still heat up the cranberry sauce. It should be referred to as the "macrowave." Why is the microwave such a problem, you ask? Well if you aren't one of the science nerds questioning my definition of the microwave, I'll tell you. Because of the large size of our microwave we are forced to eat larger portions...because we can.

Think about it. If microwaves were smaller, we would not be able to cook or reheat such large portions, therefore decreasing the amount of food and calories we would consume. If microwaves were smaller, dishware companies would be forced to make their dishware smaller so it could fit in the smaller microwave, thus helping us even more because these smaller dishes would replace the current platters we currently use called dinner plates. I've seen pig troughs that are smaller in size than our dinnerware.

Are you starting to see the picture? It all starts with the microwave and the evil companies who make them. They are to blame for our ever expanding waistlines. Look at the history of the microwave. Since it's invention the portion sizes of our meals and therefore our weight have increased at almost exactly the same rate. It used to be only the rich who were getting fat when the microwave first came out because they were the only ones who could afford it. Now sadly everyone, even the poorest among us, is affected by the microwave and its propensity to increase our portion sizes of meals.

At first the microwave only affected the meals we ate in our homes, but restaurants soon had to appease our ferocious appetites by increasing their portion sizes as well. It's a vicious cycle, but it is in no way our fault as individuals. It's those money hungry companies who make the microwaves! And why, might you ask, would companies make microwaves so big when smaller ones would be much healthier for us as Americans? The answer is quite simple. We pay a lot more money for the larger microwaves than we would for smaller ones. It's all about lining their pockets with money.

So we must stand together as fat Americans - and if you are too fat to stand, at least raise a chubby hand - in defiance, and demand that microwave companies start making microwaves smaller. Our health as a country is depending on it.

And now that I have said my piece, let me eat in peace because I'm thinking of getting another cheeseburger to go.

Would You Like Fries With That?

There are, in this universe, established laws of science that are considered universal and invariable facts of the physical world - laws so irrefutable that the mere mention of disproving them would bring scorn and ridicule from even the lowliest of scientists which helped to establish them. I'm talking about laws such as the fact that the earth circles the sun and not vice versa, that gravity is the force that causes the apple to fall to the ground instead of floating off into space, E=mc2...and the fact that french fries have a limited window of time in which they must be eaten before they are no longer deemed edible.

In my years of college, mission, and as a young newlywed, I've become quite a connoisseur of "fast food" (AKA: I'm too lazy to make my own meals, food) and therefore, quite the connoisseur of french fries, or "fries" as I will refer to them through the remainder of this article in hopes of appealing to the cooler crowd who might happen upon this blog entry.

If given even the slightest period of time to consider this most important law of nature, most, if not all of you reading this will probably agree that fries have a very small window of time in which they must be eaten. You all know what I'm talking about - the inevitable shift from hot, crispy, salty deliciousness to tepid, rubbery, unsavory awfulness. From the time you first receive your little carton of goodness into your loving hands, the stopwatch has already begun its inevitable countdown. And unfortunately for all of us proud owners, fries have a very short lifespan.

Sure, it's no big deal when you're dining in. Anyone can eat their fries within the allotted time it takes to snarf down lunch at the local greasy burger joint and never worry about reaching that awful point of no return. But it's a different story for the many of us who get it to go and therefore waste precious minutes transporting the precious cargo home to eat. The way I have it figured you have 12, maybe 15 minutes tops, from the time they're almost too hot for your mouth to inedible and disgusting.

My problem is that I live at least 10 minutes away from the nearest McDonald's, which leaves me and my family very few minutes left to devour our fries before they turn. I've had many nights of heartburn and upset stomach as a direct result of having to swallow my fries whole in attempt to eat them within the time constraint. This happens even if I tell them at Mcdonald's that I want the fries to be loaded at the last possible second. Even if I tell them I want them fresh out of the fryer, molten hot. Even if I tell them to eliminate the middle man (the fry tray under the heat lamps) and to just load them directly from the fryer into the fry carton. All of that might, and I stress the word might, save me an additional three minutes on the drive. Which, don't get me wrong, I'll take whatever additional time I can get, but it still leaves me in a serious race against the clock. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I would be lying to you if I told you that the thought of running a red light or calling in for a police escort has never crossed my mind. I mean they do it for organs being taken to a patient all the time right? Isn't this equally important? After all, I paid good money for those fries.

The only thing known to man in the slowing down of mother nature when it comes to the aging of fries is of course the heat lamps they're placed under when they first come out of a fryer. Unfortunately my car doesn't have one of those, but I do believe it should be an option on all newer vehicles. Could you imagine the time and heartache you'd save if your car had one of those babies tucked right in under the stereo?

I once had a friend tell me to just pop them in the microwave when I got home...as if that somehow would magically rejuvenate the limp and lifeless fries. Uh, yeah. No. Let's just say he is no longer my friend. I mean these things are like nachos. They can't be reheated! French fries are untouchable that way...it doesn't matter how badly you wish they could. And let's just call a spade a spade. The microwave...it's just an appliance. It's not a miracle worker.

Nope, once the fries have met their time limit, it's best you pass on them and just chalk it up as another loss to the fry gods. They're gone. They're toast. They've given up the ghost and no matter what you try, you'll never resuscitate the things. And even if you could, what would be the point? It would be like trying to resuscitate a 95 year old man who died peacefully in his sleep. In the end he's still 95 and pretty much dead.

Nope, my suggestion to you is to enjoy them while they're hot. I know we're all busy with life and that things get hectic - so busy in fact that it seems like we never have time to stop and enjoy the fries, so to speak. Might I suggest to all of you, when it comes to eating these heaven-sent strips of potato, salt and grease, to stop, take but a moment of time (12 to 15 minutes) out of your busy life, and allow yourself to enjoy the fries.

The Perfect Diet

It seems like I’m always hearing people around me talk about the latest diet they’re on or that they plan to try. The two most popular diets I hear about are the Atkins and the South Beach Diets, but the more I hear people talking about them, the more I realize how imperfect these fad diets are and wonder why no one has been able to come up with the ultimate diet – you know, the sure thing. The foolproof way to lose weight. I’m talking about a diet that allows you to drop those unwanted pounds but still lets you enjoy all that yummy food that’s overburdened with carbs and packed full of empty calories. The Perfect Diet.

I’m so tired of waiting for someone to develop a diet like this that I’ve decided to come up with one on my own. And I really must – without sounding like I’m patting myself on my back, which I totally am – say that it’s a doozy. This is a diet so revolutionary, so dynamic, so out of this world that you’ll probably drop 3-5 pounds just reading about it. It is specially formulated for those who wish to eat anything they want to and still drop the weight. That’s right, you heard me correctly – a diet that lets you eat whatever you want whenever you want, and you’ll still shed the weight like water on a newly waxed sports car.

I’m going to call it the North Shore Diet, and without going into all the boring details about how I came up with the name, I’ll keep it simple by saying that I thought it sounded cool (and in case this thing ever gets big, yes, I do have plans for some famous surfer to be my spokesperson). So how exactly does the North Shore Diet work? I thought you’d never ask, especially since I’m already three paragraphs into this and I’m beginning to get the feeling that I sound like a crummy infomercial where I try make you believe you can’t live without some lame product and then I rake you over the coals for shipping just in case you want your money back. But this is way better than a cheesy infomercial...because what I’m about to tell you will absolutely change your life. And I won’t even charge you shipping.

The diet is simple. Think, ‘in with the good out with the bad.’ Imagine you’re craving a greasy, triple patty, triple bacon cheeseburger (a.k.a. the Triple Bypass), and you’re thinking to yourself, there is no diet in the world that will allow this kind of gourmet fare – I’ll just have to sit down with a bowl of tofu instead. Well forget everything you thought you knew about dieting because on the North Shore Diet you are going to sit down to eat that cheeseburger your taste buds have been dancing for. However, alongside the cheeseburger, in this diet you’ll be expected to also sit down with equal portions by weight and size of low fat, low carb food items such as fruits and vegetables.

So here’s how it works: after taking a bite of the unhealthy, high calorie, artery clogging burger, I want you to chew it for as long as you possibly can to savor every possible ounce of flavor. Then, when the urge to swallow it down seems unbearable, spit it out. That’s right, spit it out. In its place I want you to take one mouthful of the healthy, low fat, low carb item and swallow it down as quickly as possible. Repeat the above steps until the burger has been completely chewed up and spit out and the healthy item has been completely chewed up and swallowed…or until you’re full. Whichever comes first.

Yep, it’s that simple. I believe in simplicity.

However, there are a few important things you’ll want to remember. You may be confused as to what kinds of foods to spit and which ones to swallow. Here is an easy rule of thumb: if just thinking about the item makes your mouth salivate, if it’s something that you desperately crave, or if it’s something that can be easily found at any local quick mart, it’s most definitely a spitter. On the other hand, if it is something that makes you want to throw up when you think about it, if it is something your dog won’t even eat, something that usually sits in your cupboards untouched and collecting dust, or if the words “puffed rice” appear anywhere on the packaging, then it’s probably a safe bet that it’s something you can swallow.

This applies to beverages as well. Juices, sodas (yes, diet sodas included), or basically anything with flavor should be enjoyed by swishing around in the mouth before being spit out and promptly followed up by a nice large gulp of healthy water.

And what should you do with all that chewed up and spit out food, you ask? Compost it of course. Throw it in with your grass clippings and yard waste and turn your unwanted food into luscious, nourishing fertilizer for your garden. Truly, recycling at its best. **Note: for this reason I might suggest keeping a five gallon bucket handy while eating, making it quick and easy for throwing into the compost pile.

Another secret to success with the North Shore Diet is to eat the healthy stuff as quickly as possible after spitting out the good stuff. There are two reasons for this. First, the sooner you can get the healthy stuff down, the sooner you can get to another bite of what you are really craving. Second, I find that if the healthy item is eaten quickly after discharging the tasty item, your mind, if even for but a few seconds, is tricked into thinking that the healthy item is in fact the very same as what was just spit out, and is therefore…bearable.

Soon enough you’ll soon discover that the true brilliance of this diet is that it makes the process of eating painfully and excruciatingly long, and in no time you’ll be feeling fuller faster and with a lot less food. In fact, the whole process will likely have you throwing up your arms up in disgust and saying “to hell with it,” thereby eliminating the need or desire to eat another wretched bite.

I’d also suggest keeping a small snack size candy bar and zip-lock baggie of carrots in your purse or glove box for those in between meal snack cravings. As soon as the craving hits, feel free to immediately pop the snack size candy bar into your mouth and chew it to your heart’s content. Savor it for as long as possible, and then when your mouth is overwhelmed by its own saliva (this is where the genius of packing your snack in a zip lock bag comes into play), spit it out into the bag to be conveniently carried back to your compost later. Then, of course, finish by polishing off the lovely carrot sticks, an effort in itself that will quickly remind you of how much you hate the process of eating, causing most – if not all – cravings for between meal snacks to stop.

So there it is, the North Shore Diet in a nutshell, or carrot stick, if you prefer. If you are one of the millions of people seriously considering a diet of some sort in the next little while, I’d whole heartily urge you to take this diet into consideration. After all, it does come with a 100% money back guarantee.