Real or Fake?

The great question of which is better, real or fake, has gone on throughout the ages. Supporters of “real” will say we need to enjoy the natural beauty God has given us. We should be happy with “au naturale” and not be ashamed of it. Supporters of “fake” will insist they enjoy having something crafted for its beauty; something that is built to look great and withstand the test of time. And these same people will insist that nobody should judge them for choosing to go “fake”…it’s their choice after all and nobody else’s. With the Christmas season upon us, the debate over a real or fake Christmas tree is once again rekindled.

For me and my family, we have chosen to go fake, but it hasn’t always been that way and it certainly wasn’t an easy choice. I used to be a believer in going natural, the way God had intended it to be. I had convinced myself I was happier this way. Then one Christmas my whole attitude changed. I noticed several weeks after setting up the tree (the day after Thanksgiving of course), how misshapen it was. I found myself constantly adjusting the tree in hopes of finding the perfect side for facing out. It was during one of these particular moments of adjusting that I noticed how badly the tree branches were drooping. They were not as perky an upright as they had once been. They were drooping so badly that the ornaments seemed to have a hard time staying on the tree as I was constantly picking them up and replacing them. It dawned on me that the hours of our small kids pulling on the branches in attempt to get at the wonderful ornaments as well as the amount of time that had gone by since the tree had been cut down had started to really take its toll on the poor tree. Yes, I partially blame our kids for causing the tree’s droopiness. It just wasn’t as upright and full like it had been when it had been freshly cut and brought home from the tree farm. The lower branches drooped so badly towards the ground that we were unable to even fit any large gifts under the tree, and instead had to settle on trying to fit only small flat gifts under it such as books or clothing, you know, the boring stuff. The beautiful train that we had circling the base of the tree was completely hidden from the saggy branches.

The point at which it really hit me at how saggy, droopy, and lifeless our tree looked, however, occurred during a Christmas party we held at our house about a week before Christmas. Nobody said anything out right or to my face, but their disapproving stares and looks of pity towards the droopy tree didn’t go unnoticed by me. I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed. I felt uncomfortable to be in my own house while guests were there. I know I had been taught my whole life that I should always be happy with the tree that we had received and not try to compare it to others, but as I watched guests, in my house, stare at my tree in pity, I couldn’t help but think about all the wonderful trees some of my friends had in their homes, many of which were fake but were beautiful. It was at that moment I longed for the perfect tree and decided I would do what was necessary to get it, even if it meant purchasing a fake one.

I went out the very next day to Home Depot and after consulting with a garden specialist there, settled on the prefect tree. I was surprised at how real it looked and felt. Sure it cost me a good chunk of change but the whole process was so easy and the garden specialist took great care of me and helped me feel comfortable throughout the whole procedure. The best part of the whole thing was that I was able to pick out the exact size I wanted. The key is not to go too large but too pick the right size to match the home. Really though, in the end, just make sure it is a size of tree you are happy with because you’ll most likely have it the rest of your life. They build these things to last nowadays, not like the first ones they came out with where people were having lots of problems with them breaking and had to have them removed from their homes because of the complications.

The tree I ended up with was full, perky, and beautiful. It didn’t sag or droop like the real one, even weeks after Christmas was over and I was still too lazy to take it down. Well, that and the fact that now that I had the fake tree I wanted people to be able to see it in all its unbridled glory. Finally I had something I could be proud of and I wanted it on display for the whole world to see. No more trying to hide it. I had spent good money on it and wanted people to notice. It’s funny because now when people come over and it’s up, people are always amazed at how real it looks and are asking if they can touch it because they just can’t believe it could possibly be fake. It sure makes me feel good.

So yes, I am the proud owner of a fake tree, and you know what? It’s FANTASTIC!

All Cracked Up

Rumor has it that the easiest way to judge a great carpenter is by the size of his carpenter's crack (this also applies to plumbers, but for the sake of simplicity, we'll focus on the carpenter's crack). Supposedly you can tell a great carpenter simply by looking at his nether regions. The bigger or more pronounced the crack, the better or more highly skilled the carpenter is. Hey I’m not making this stuff up, I’m not that good. I’m just telling you what I've heard...and there is no need for me to tell you the circle of friends from which I've heard it.

I know it seems like a tall tale and a bit hard to swallow – especially when you think about actually looking at someone's carpenters crack in order to judge their skill level – but ask yourself these two things: 1. Who would really make something like this up? and 2. How could something this far out there possibly not be a fact?

As I’ve begun some investigation into this phenomenon, I’ve come across some people who would want us to believe that there is no significant correlation between the size of one’s crack and their skills as a carpenter. Then again, these are those same people, who would lead us to believe there is no significant correlation between the size of a person's head and how smart they are. They would try to tell us that bigger heads do not mean smarter people, which is completely false. We all know that people with bigger heads are definitely smarter then those with tiny ones. It's only logical.

These same people will try to persuade you that crack differences could be merely caused by outside forces such as: A) The carpenter's pants are just too big and accordingly expose more of the cheekage (if you’ll allow me to use that word) than necessary; or B) the carpenter's tool belt is overloaded and heavy and therefore causes a downward force over the buttocks. These claims are just not factual, and I have not thus far found any science to back them up.

However, I must make one side note. This rule does not apply to women of the trade. A woman who exposes her carpenter's crack while working is just considered trashy and such actions are frowned upon by others inside and outside of the business. Call it a double standard if you want, but that's just life.

But if what I've heard of male carpenters is true - and I wholeheartedly believe that it is - and bigger really does equal better, then it would behoove members in such a trade to consider enhancing their cracks. No, I’m not talking about natural enhancement by working out, which takes excruciating amounts of time and effort, or about any of those miracle creams you rub on at night before going to bed that guarantee to double your size. What I’m talking about is going under the knife…getting a butt augmentation…you know, a butt job, thus enhancing the crack cleavage, so to speak, for the purpose of attracting more business.

This would be a smart business move. It could be considered not only a business investment but a write-off as well. Logically, this makes perfect sense.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised to find out that such things are already happening in the industry. How could they not be? If carpenters' skills are judged solely on the size of their butt cleavage, then surely methods for increasing such said cleavage must be happening.

How horrible is that? Talk about false advertising. But what other options would you have as a flat-bottomed non-cracked carpenter? I don't blame the carpenters. Nope, not at all. Quite the contrary, in fact, I feel sorry for them. They must feel like a piece of meat up on display for the whole world to look at and poke while trying decide if it's something good enough to take home. The poor carpenters are a product of society and are left with few choices to make in the matter...go big or stay home. Because we all know they won't be finding work any time soon if they don't.

Take a guy like me for example, who has a relatively flat bottom. All right let’s be honest, I’ve got no butt at all. If what has been said is true and I happened to be a skilled carpenter, people might look at me and laugh, simply judging me by my butt crack and assuming I was a complete dud. My business would suffer because of it. I would be the perfect candidate for a butt augmentation procedure. I think I would at least want to look into what kind of enhancement options were available to me. You know, go into the plastic surgeon's office to look at some different crack pictures before choosing the perfect one for me. I'd probably want to stand up in a mirror holding the pictures to my rear end to see what they'd look like on me. Then after finding the right one, handing it back to the doctor and saying:

"That's it Doc, that's the one for me."

"Are you sure? Don't you want to look at any others, just to be certain?"

"Nope. This is the one. It has me written all over it."

I can only imagine what the guys would say after showing up to work with my new cracked out fanny and of course a brand new working wardrobe to show off my new assets (no pun intended).

"Oh my gosh...check out Jared's crack. It's huge!"

"Yeah, he just got it done."

"What do you mean? It's fake?"

"Yep. Top of the line implants. He says it's really increased business for him."

"Wow. It looks amazing! So Real."

"Yeah, it really does."

Now that I think about it I'm so glad that I'm not a carpenter and I don't have to worry about being judged by the size of my crack. I have a whole new respect for those who choose to follow that career path. It's a man eat man world out there and it seems clear that the man with the bigger crack, always wins.