Real or Fake?

The great question of which is better, real or fake, has gone on throughout the ages. Supporters of “real” will say we need to enjoy the natural beauty God has given us. We should be happy with “au naturale” and not be ashamed of it. Supporters of “fake” will insist they enjoy having something crafted for its beauty; something that is built to look great and withstand the test of time. And these same people will insist that nobody should judge them for choosing to go “fake”…it’s their choice after all and nobody else’s. With the Christmas season upon us, the debate over a real or fake Christmas tree is once again rekindled.

For me and my family, we have chosen to go fake, but it hasn’t always been that way and it certainly wasn’t an easy choice. I used to be a believer in going natural, the way God had intended it to be. I had convinced myself I was happier this way. Then one Christmas my whole attitude changed. I noticed several weeks after setting up the tree (the day after Thanksgiving of course), how misshapen it was. I found myself constantly adjusting the tree in hopes of finding the perfect side for facing out. It was during one of these particular moments of adjusting that I noticed how badly the tree branches were drooping. They were not as perky an upright as they had once been. They were drooping so badly that the ornaments seemed to have a hard time staying on the tree as I was constantly picking them up and replacing them. It dawned on me that the hours of our small kids pulling on the branches in attempt to get at the wonderful ornaments as well as the amount of time that had gone by since the tree had been cut down had started to really take its toll on the poor tree. Yes, I partially blame our kids for causing the tree’s droopiness. It just wasn’t as upright and full like it had been when it had been freshly cut and brought home from the tree farm. The lower branches drooped so badly towards the ground that we were unable to even fit any large gifts under the tree, and instead had to settle on trying to fit only small flat gifts under it such as books or clothing, you know, the boring stuff. The beautiful train that we had circling the base of the tree was completely hidden from the saggy branches.

The point at which it really hit me at how saggy, droopy, and lifeless our tree looked, however, occurred during a Christmas party we held at our house about a week before Christmas. Nobody said anything out right or to my face, but their disapproving stares and looks of pity towards the droopy tree didn’t go unnoticed by me. I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed. I felt uncomfortable to be in my own house while guests were there. I know I had been taught my whole life that I should always be happy with the tree that we had received and not try to compare it to others, but as I watched guests, in my house, stare at my tree in pity, I couldn’t help but think about all the wonderful trees some of my friends had in their homes, many of which were fake but were beautiful. It was at that moment I longed for the perfect tree and decided I would do what was necessary to get it, even if it meant purchasing a fake one.

I went out the very next day to Home Depot and after consulting with a garden specialist there, settled on the prefect tree. I was surprised at how real it looked and felt. Sure it cost me a good chunk of change but the whole process was so easy and the garden specialist took great care of me and helped me feel comfortable throughout the whole procedure. The best part of the whole thing was that I was able to pick out the exact size I wanted. The key is not to go too large but too pick the right size to match the home. Really though, in the end, just make sure it is a size of tree you are happy with because you’ll most likely have it the rest of your life. They build these things to last nowadays, not like the first ones they came out with where people were having lots of problems with them breaking and had to have them removed from their homes because of the complications.

The tree I ended up with was full, perky, and beautiful. It didn’t sag or droop like the real one, even weeks after Christmas was over and I was still too lazy to take it down. Well, that and the fact that now that I had the fake tree I wanted people to be able to see it in all its unbridled glory. Finally I had something I could be proud of and I wanted it on display for the whole world to see. No more trying to hide it. I had spent good money on it and wanted people to notice. It’s funny because now when people come over and it’s up, people are always amazed at how real it looks and are asking if they can touch it because they just can’t believe it could possibly be fake. It sure makes me feel good.

So yes, I am the proud owner of a fake tree, and you know what? It’s FANTASTIC!

The Mullet: Back from the Brink

The Mullet, once considered the mainstay of American hairstyle, has been lost and forgotten never to rise again. Or has it? Once considered the cornerstone of American style, the Mullet has now fallen by the wayside. What caused this piece of fashion history to lose its prowess, its attraction, its ability to warm the hearts of millions? For many, we may never really know the truth.

What was once considered near the edge of extinction, the Mullet has made a dramatic comeback in recent years leading many experts to question if it had ever really been in danger of extinction in the first place. Where has this dramatic comeback occurred you might be asking? Simple. Construction sites across America. And many experts are now saying that it never really left, but merely retreated to these safe havens, lurking and waiting for the day of its mighty comeback. And come back it did.

Go to any construction site across America and you’ll find four core distinctions; safety equipment (brightly colored safety vests, hard hats, safety glasses, etc), heavy machinery, sweaty men (and women for that matter), and the Mullet as the preferred hairstyle of choice (again, for both men and women).

For many of us who feared (or hoped as it may be) that the Mullet had followed the way of the Dodo bird or bikes with banana seats, sadly I’m afraid, this is just not the case. The Mullet is alive and well and thriving at a construction site near you. It turns out that the Mullet and construction go hand in hand, like Mexican food and bad gas, or politicians and lying.

There’s no question that the Mullet has evolved from its original inception, which researchers hypothesize has contributed to a broad social belief that it has “gone out of style.” While some Mullet-wearers choose to keep a traditionally filthy and ratty hairdo, many have opted to comb it nicely, and others even keep theirs in nice neat braids. Perhaps most deceiving, it is not at all uncommon to spot a Mullet pulled back tidily with a hair tie or decorative clip. But despite these differences, each of these hairdos still exhibits the one classic characteristic that separates it from all other styles. “Business in the front, party in the back.”

Nobody knows what pushed the Mullet toward the brink of extinction. Some say it was tied to the introduction of punk rock, while others blame the early 90s insurgence of boy bands and their clean cut pretty-boy ‘do’s. Others insist it was a part of a far left liberal movement to socialize haircare and push the more uniform and governmentally “controlled” hairstyles of today.

Whatever it was, most would agree that as few as two years ago, the Mullet seemed lost to so society at large. There were attempts to keep the few known living Mullet-wearers in protective habitats in hopes of mating them and turning them back into the wild, but they failed miserably. The government was forced to abolish federal Mullet habitat funding after a large public outcry against the millions of dollars being spent to revive an all but dead fashion. The science just wasn’t on their side.

Even the well known Adopt-A-Mullet foundation ended up going bankrupt after it was discovered that its board of directors had been laundering money and lavishly spending it on themselves. Once word of this spread through the public and after a thorough investigation by the FBI, donations quickly dried up and left many Mullets who had once been adopted to fend for themselves, eventually being pushed out by the newest and latest styles to hit the streets.

Who would have thought after so many failed attempts to keep the Mullet around that it would rebound on its own in such a dramatic way? And yet it has, in the small confines of American construction sites, flourished beyond anyone’s belief or comprehension. It has quickly and ubiquitously become the hairstyle of choice for American construction workers, from the people holding stop signs to direct traffic, to heavy equipment operators, and even to upper management flunkies sitting in leather office chairs. The Mullet has once again rooted itself into American culture by attaching itself to the heart of America…its construction workers.

So for those of you who thought the Mullet had gone the way of the dinosaur – no longer existent, a thing of the past, something you might only find in an old photograph – I’m happy to say you are mistaken. The Mullet is thriving once again, and it would only take a small stroll to your nearest construction site to catch a glimpse of this once prominent, beautiful piece of American history. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and discover for yourself this historical fashion icon, and if you’re lucky, you just might find something else at that construction site you never thought you’d see again.