Eco Friendly Toilet Paper

It happens a lot. More than I would care to admit. You know what I'm talking about. You're in the bathroom, sitting down on the toilet about to take care of business when you notice the roll of toilet paper is nearly empty. (And just in case you were wondering, when I say "taking care of business," what I mean is "taking a poop on the toilet," but you might personally refer to it any number of ways: "having a BM," "taking a doogie," "dropping a deuce," etc. I'm just trying to keep it somewhat clean around here, no pun intended.) You break out into a cold sweat because of the predicament you're in. If you proceed and use the last of the toilet paper it will be your responsibility to replace the roll. However, if you're careful you might be able to use just enough to get the job done but making sure to leave some left over for the next user who would then be responsible for replacing the roll.

So it is probably at this point in the article, for those of you who haven't stopped reading it already, that you are wondering why I am talking on a topic such as this. I would have to say the reason I decided to write on this topic is because...well...everyone poops. And since everyone poops, toilet paper is a necessary luxury item in our life. Speaking of everyone pooping, there is an excellent book called Everyone Poops (My Body Science Series) which is a must read for adults and children, especially for any of you who are trying to potty train a child or adult for that matter. Since we've now established that everybody poops I thought it might be nice to talk about a few of the problems that come along with it, the biggest one of course in my mind, is from sitting down to do your business and finding the toilet paper roll nearly empty.

So what do you do when this happens? I'll tell you what I do. I try to get the job done with the least amount of toilet paper possible, knowing that if I can even leave a square or two on the roll I won't have to worry about replacing it. It's a little like playing Russian Roulette, only bathroom style. Every time you sit down you are taking a chance that the roll may be close to being empty. Is it going to run out on you? Are you going to have to replace the roll with a new one? There's no way you can know or even predict how messy things might be when you first sit down, making it very tricky to determine how much you are going to need. So the real question is, how lucky are you feeling?

What happens if you sit down and run out while you are halfway done with the job? Now you're in a real predicament. Sometimes though, believe it or not, this can be the best scenario because if you are not alone in the house you can yell until someone brings you a new roll, making the replacement a snap. You literally don't even have to leave the toilet seat to do it.

I have sometimes sat down to a toilet only to jump right back up before even starting just because I was lucky enough to realize there wouldn't be enough toilet paper to complete the job. But I'm not kidding when I say that I'd rather take care of business in another bathroom of the house or perhaps take a leisurely drive to the nearest public bathroom than to have to ration my toilet paper and replace the roll when I'm done.

The saddest part of this whole process is that it really doesn't take a whole lot of effort to replace a roll of toilet paper. I mean, ours is stored on the top shelf in the laundry room and it doesn't even require a step ladder or chair to retrieve it. In fact the process of replacing the toilet paper usually takes less time and effort than it does to take care of "the business" in the first place. Yet despite how easy it is I still manage to wind up with a huge knot in my gut every time I notice the toilet paper roll is nearing completion and that I might be the one stuck with replacing it.

A positive from all of this, however, is that I find myself being a lot more conservative with the toilet paper when it's near the end of the roll. When I know there isn't much left on the roll I use only as much as is absolutely necessary. Instead of the usual 4-5 squares (I feel so vulnerable sharing such personal information), we're talking 2-3. I have yet to get to the 1 square per wipe that Sheryl Crow so valiantly suggested a few years back, but believe me, I've thought about it a time or two but I believe The Doors said it best in their song Break On Through...with just one square I'm too worried about my fingers breaking through to the other side.

So it seems that the ends of the toilet paper roll are great for the environment. I mean, if it causes people to use less squares the closer it gets to the end of the roll, well, that's a good thing, right? Follow me on this: if it takes less squares of toilet paper to take care of business, then not as much toilet paper will be used, causing less toilet paper to be made, leading to fewer trees being cut down for the purposes of toilet paper-making. It's a wonderful "green" cycle of life. For toilet paper.

So I was thinking, which is never a good thing, that if we really wanted to save trees by using less toilet paper, maybe we could convince toilet paper companies to makes rolls with less toilet paper on them to begin with. The idea is that by doing this it would give each roll of toilet paper the appearance of being almost empty, so that people would inherently use less for fear of having to replace the roll. If a roll of toilet paper normally has, let's make it easy and say, 100 feet per roll, the toilet paper companies should instead take that 100 feet and spread it over 5 rolls. So for the price you'll be getting the same amount of toilet paper but less on each roll.

Think about what this one small act could do for our environment and it's precious resources. It's simple, it's easy, and it's a way for all of us to contribute without feeling like we're sacrificing. I could honestly see this becoming such a hit that even a guy like Al Gore would add these rolls of toilet paper to the 15 bathrooms at his house. So I call on toilet paper companies everywhere to take my simple yet effective suggestion into consideration, if not for yourselves, then at least for Mother Earth. To use a sports phrase I would like to say that the ball is in your court, toilet paper companies, and so (please let me use a common bathroom phase here) either "do the business" or get off the pot so someone else can.

Alaskans for Global Warming

I’m making a stand. I’m not taking this lying down anymore. I’m going to fight back. I want my two degrees of warmer weather. That’s right, I’m for global warming, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it and a tantrum is not out of the question.

Please don’t get upset with me…try to see it from my point of view. I’m not trying to be selfish, I’m just having hard time letting go. I’ve gotten used to those two degrees of higher temperatures and now it’s nearly impossible to think what life would be like without them. Yes, I’ll admit, those two degrees have spoiled me rotten. So what if I wasn’t alive when the temperature was two degrees less. I can imagine what the world was like then…and I don’t like it…I mean there weren’t even colored TV’s back then.

What I don’t understand is why the rest of the world has to be so greedy? Can’t we come to some sort of compromise about it? Why does it have to be so one sided? I’m starting to feel like my feelings don’t matter. I mean, come on, it’s two degrees over the last 100 years. That isn’t so bad. Alaskans have worked hard for those two degrees and now the rest of the world seems hell bent on taking them away from us. Let’s try to find another cause for the world to rally behind, like not allowing fat people to wear stretchy pants.

I love Alaska. I’ve always loved Alaska. But I love it even more now that it’s two degrees warmer. They say that everything is bigger in Alaska, and two degrees is a lot bigger than you probably imagine. It can mean the difference between below freezing (31˚ F) or above freezing (33˚ F). I’m not sure about you, but I like the idea of above freezing. It makes me feel all warm inside.

Florida and Hawaii are allowed to have their warm waters and tropical beaches, so why can’t Alaska? Maybe we want the same thing. Maybe tropical beaches are in Alaska’s 1000 year master plan. Who gave the rest of the world the right to tell us no? I’m beginning to think its discrimination against us because we aren’t part of the famed “lower 48.” They want our state to provide picturesque ice capped mountains, glacier filled valleys, fancy igloos, and the world’s supply of ice cubes, but they could care less about letting us be who we really are – tropical at heart. It’s discrimination at its worst. Where are Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the rest of their Rainbow/PUSH Coalition? Why aren’t they representing Alaska? It is an outrage! An injustice! A mark against the human race.

I’m really a simple man at heart. I just want a little warmer weather and maybe a little longer summer, that’s all. Maybe that’s why no one is listening…I’m too simple. I’m not a shady politician looking to make exuberant amounts of money to pay my exuberant monthly utility bills by filling peoples' heads with lies and trying to make the whole world feel guilty for causing these two (heavenly) degrees. (And yes, I am referring here to a certain unamed former vice president, and the fact that the only thing growing faster than the size of his waist is the amount of money he is making from this global "crisis.") Nope. I’m just a simple guy wishing I could wear swimming trunks every once in a while.

Everyone agrees temperatures have risen. How much of it is natural and how much is caused by the humans is up for debate. The thing is, I really don’t care about the reduction in milk production of the Colobus monkey in East Africa because of global warming. Nor do I care about the link between global warming and the increased antenna size of the Nettle-tap moth. My life is 100% unaffected because these female moths no longer find their long-antennaed males attractive and therefore are having difficulty reproducing. I’m sorry, I just don’t care and neither did anyone else until scientists figured out they could use this “scare” to fund their otherwise useless research.

I’d just like the rest of the world to see it from my perspective. Let us have our two degrees and I’ll promise to do my part in protecting the earth – I’ll ride my bike to work – I’ll plant a few trees – I’ll only eat tuna fish that was caught without the catching of dolphins – I’ll even go as far as to only use one sheet (single ply) of toilet paper per wipe. That’s all I’m asking – let us keep our two degrees. Please?

42 Uses for a Cardboard Box

An empty cardboard box, to most adults, is just that, an empty cardboard box. To small children however, an empty cardboard box combined with a little imagination, is so much more. Here are 42 uses for a cardboard box (kid’s perspective).

1. A place to hide your toys.
2. A place to hide your sibling’s toys.
3. A chair for watching your favorite show.
4. A table, you insist eating your meals at.
5. A place to stuff a willing/unwilling sibling.
6. A place to hide after stuffing your unwilling sibling in it.
7. An object when strategically placed, perfect for tripping your parents.
8. The perfect sled for stairs.
9. A stepping stool for reaching things that have been purposely placed out of your reach.
10. Something to jump into.
11. Something to jump on.
12. Something to jump over.
13. One of the best presents you could ever receive.
14. An object that causes headaches for parents. (Note to parents; Advil or Tylenol work best at preventing headaches when taken before giving the box to children…an hour before is usually sufficient)
15. A fort, tent, house, castle, cave or anything else you wished you lived in.
16. A bed for you and or your stuffed animals.
17. A potty! (Please note after use as potty, cardboard boxes with imagination or not is not suited for children’s play)
18. An object worth throwing when angry.
19. A helmet or hat. (Depending on size)
20. Something more fun to color on then paper, coloring books, or even walls for that matter.
21. Something scary, to chase a sibling with. (Works best when sibling is convinced it’s a monster trying to get them)
22. A laundry basket.
23. A trash can.
24. A place to hide uneaten dinner and or lunches in.
25. Something to get hurt from playing on or around.
26. Something fun to tear into tiny pieces making sure to leave bits of it strung through out the house.
27. Yet another thing to fight over with your sibling.
28. A boat, vehicle, airplane, or any other mode of transportation you see fit.
29. Something fun to leave around in random places.
30. A robot costume.
31. Something to chew on.
32. A place to keep your most valued treasures.
33. A container for holding water in. (Note to parents; this usually results in a soggy mess and wet floor)
34. Something for your parents to carry you in. (Warning: parents with bad backs, or bad tempers should not attempt. This only leads to worse backs and worse tempers)
35. A springboard or launching pad.
36. Something to unwind a roll of toilet paper into when the toilet is already full.
37. An excellent tub toy if sneaked past unsuspecting parents.
38. A tunnel, as long as it’s not to dark.
39. A quiet place to get away.
40. A shield for protection, separating you from an angry, biting, screaming, scratching, kicking, punching sibling.
41. Something, any use besides playing with, is out of the question.
42. Something to cry about when thrown away.